


Growing Up and Growing Old

by orphan_account



Category: The Society (TV 2019)
Genre: AU, Grizz gets mad, Grizz is a nerd, M/M, Pining, Slow Burn, The Guard is a thing, We don't like Campbell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-06-23 15:13:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 29,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19703974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It started out with tutoring - Sam needed extra help in one of his history classes. The teacher chose Grizz to give the other boy a hand. Instead of studying history, they made it.





	1. Waiting For Your Western Zhou - Sam

Sam wished he hadn’t called Grizz. He sat in his room, crying. He should have called Becca, or Allie, or literally anyone else. He wished he could undo everything, go back to the start of the year, and never talk to the monster of a man – towering over everyone, he was a behemoth. Monster wasn’t the right word – he was so far from that.

***

They’d met months ago. Sam had been struggling in one of his classes – History of the Non-Western World. The teacher said that they’d slowly discuss their way through Asia in the first semester, and then they would turn to the Middle East and parts of Africa in the second semester. It was too cursory to be very in depth, but it seemed interesting.

It was the third week of the Chinese History portion of the class. They’d started by learning the timeline of the dynasties they were starting to actually dive into the dynasties. He couldn’t remember the difference between the Xia, Shang, Zhou, Eastern Zhou, Western Zhou, Warring States, Spring and Autumn, and something referred to as Erlitou. It was only the beginning – the teacher had warned it would only get more complicated from there.

Somehow, Gareth Visser was doing exceptionally well in the class. He and Helena Wu were the two strongest students of the lot easily. No one really expected Grizz to know ridiculous tidbits of information about the Shang dynasty, and yet he regularly impressed the teacher with his knowledge of history. It was no surprise when the teacher decided that Sam and Grizz should work together, getting Sam ready for exams. Sam was already sure that he would drop the class and take a study hall to work with his favorite teacher, but he figured he could pretend to go along with the teacher, just for now.

Gareth, or Grizz, as most people called him, was one of the star football players. Everyone knew that he was the best on the team – not that their small team was particularly good. Luke was a good quarterback, but it was Grizz who really knew how to bring the team to victory. Sam didn’t like going to the games, but Becca did. He went for her. Sam didn’t know much else about Grizz, other than that he was also incredibly bright, enjoyed partying, and smoked a lot of weed. This was going to be an unusual partnership.

They set up a time to meet, deciding that Sam’s house would be better. That Saturday, Grizz had come over, books in hand. He sat down at Sam’s dinner table, ready to review. The Shang Dynasty was not particularly simple, and he couldn’t blame anyone for getting the Zhou dynasty a bit backwards. Campbell and Sam’s parents were yelling, and after about ten minutes of Grizz trying to listen to Sam explain what he knew and what he didn’t, they ended up having to move.

Sam’s room. Sam was embarrassed – he hadn’t cleaned. Campbell was screaming at his parents. It was a normal occurrence, but not one that he wanted to showcase to the world. The jock was probably going to judge him. The world had already given him enough shit – he didn’t need to feel even more judged. Being gay, being deaf, being unathletic, everything he was gave people reason to hate him. Grizz would hate him, too. Wait, Grizz was waving. He was smiling. Sam snapped out of his melancholy, trying to figure out what Grizz was saying.

“Ready to work,” he asked, speaking slowly. There was a warm smile on his face.

“Yeah, sorry. And sorry about that,” he said, gesturing at everything happening outside his door. He was waiting for the negative response. It never came.

“It happens, sometimes. So, this stuff is confusing. How can I help?”

They worked for two hours – by the end of it, Sam felt like he could vaguely understand the material. He didn’t feel like he was drowning anymore. His feeling of hope vanished, however, when Campbell barged into Sam’s room.

“The fuck are you doing here,” he asked Grizz. He’d been drinking. Sam could smell it.

“We’re studying, leave us alone,” he said.

“No one asked you, you worthless piece of shit,” Campbell snarled. “You, the fuck you think you’re doing with that,” he asked, pointing at Sam.

“Like Sam said, we’re studying, Campbell. We’ve got a test, we both want to do well,” Grizz said. Sam was amazed at the calm in Grizz’s eyes. “With books. Something you should try opening, once you learn how to read.”

“What’d’you fuckin’ call me,” Campbell asked. Sam couldn’t tell if it was shock or anger that was plastered on his brother’s face.

“Dumb. I called you dumb. Why don’t you turn on that TV we saw in the living room, get yourself a beer, and watch the pretty pictures,” Grizz said. How he could stay calm around Campbell, Sam would never understand.

The two boys watched as Campbell backed out of the room, almost as confused as he was angry. “You didn’t have to do that,” Sam said.

“Please,” said Grizz. “I’m here to make sure you pass this class. You have to actually be, you know, in one piece to do that, right?” The glimmer in his eyes made Sam’s heart skip a beat.

“He’s not the only one I have to deal with,” Sam said, staring at the floor.

“Who else is there?”

Sam couldn’t hear the concern in his voice, but he could see it in his eyes. He got up and closed the door. He locked it, just in case Campbell tried to come back.

“Locking me in here, huh,” Grizz said. There was a smile on his face.

“Oh shit, sorry,” Sam said, going to undo the bolt. He didn’t want to make Grizz feel uncomfortable.

Grizz was up in a flash, stopping Sam from doing anything. Sam couldn’t help but be glad at how close Grizz was – his hands, big and strong, keeping Sam from changing the lock. “Safety first,” he mouthed, with a wink. “So, you said that there were other people weren’t being nice, exactly?”

**

Grizz had gotten to Sam’s house a little after two in the afternoon. It was close to midnight by the time he’d left. He had even stayed for dinner with Sam’s family – Campbell had gone off to some party, leaving them in time for a peaceful dinner. Sam had never had someone sit and listen, not the way Grizz listened.

Talking to Grizz about the bullying was easier than he’d expected. Sam had cried. Grizz sat there, patiently, letting him talk. He hated the sound of his voice, the way it made him seem even more different. Grizz had promised him that he sounded fantastic – a lie that Sam didn’t believe, but he let slide. He talked about everything – the isolation of being in the public with his sexuality, the loneliness of only being able to sign with a few people, the uncomfortableness of always being stared at. Sam hadn’t intended to name the names in his mind, of those who made his life exceptionally hard, but they slipped out. They were names that Grizz had recognized – they were his teammates, his best friends. He apologized for them, and for himself. “I’m sorry, Sam. I should have stepped in, and I should have done something, or said something, or something. You didn’t deserve that.”

The concept of deserving was interesting. On some level, Sam understood that he didn’t deserve the hatred he received. It had happened for so long, though, that sometimes, he forgot that. It was nice to be reminded of his innocence in the situation by someone other than Becca. She was always there to keep him sane, but she couldn’t be there all the time, though.

Grizz had been a good audience. He kept getting up to get Sam water – crying could be exhausting, he didn’t need to be dehydrated, too. By the end, Sam was crying into Grizz’s shoulder. He felt like he should care more – this straight jock was listening to him cry about all the mean straight jocks.

By the time it was time for Grizz to go, Sam realized that he’d cried all over Grizz’s shirt. He could only imagine how bad he looked – ugly crying didn’t look good on anyone. “Sorry, that’s a lot more than you bargained for. Not sure how to tie my bullshit into the Warring States period,” Sam apologized.

Grizz looked back at him, a smile on his face. “Hey, there was a lot of conflict in the Warring States period. That’s kinda in the name, right? Seems like you’ve got your own conflicts. You’re going through your own Warring States period. In China, thinks tend to go from west to east – but that doesn’t mean they will for you. Confucius always said that Western Zhou was the Golden Age. Maybe you’ve just gotta wait for your Western Zhou,” he said, care in his eyes.

**

As soon as Grizz had left, Sam pulled out his phone and texted Becca. Actually, the first thing he did was lock his door. He knew that Campbell would try and come in, probably to make fun of him. Campbell had learned long ago that Sam was far too pale to hide bruises well, so Campbell would hurt him other ways. With his words, or with shoves into the walls, or whatever else he could think of. Nothing directly physical, though. Either way, he didn’t want to have to deal with that – not tonight.

He opened his texts from Becca – he was about to start texting, when she beat him to the punch.

_Becca: you had that tutoring today right?_

_Becca: It’s midnight and you haven’t texted did the tutor kill you_

_Becca: wait who is this tutor do I have to go revenge kill them for you_

_Becca: I’d do it_

_Becca: No I wouldn’t blood is scary_

_Sam: Chill we good I’m alive_

_Sam: did not die_

_Becca: Who were you working with????_

_Sam: Becca get this it was Grizz Visser_

_Becca: The football dude? Why the fuck? Did he give you shit? DO I HAVE TO BEAT HIS ASS_

_Sam: No that’s it he was like the nicest person ever_

_Becca: HE’s part of the football team in what world are they nice_

_Becca: They literally treat you like shit_

_Becca: I hate him already_

_Sam: don’t he said he’s gonna tell them to fuck off_

_Becca: what_

_Sam: He listened to me cry for like six hours. He got here like right after you left and he JUST left my house_

_Becca: He spent ten hours listening to you cry? Shitty tutoring skills wtf_

_Sam: Beside the point – besides now I know who the Zhou were_

_Becca: Well shit can you explain that to me?? Also why would he spend that much time with you? You’re ugly when you cry_

_Sam: ouch_

_Sam: ok true though_

_Sam: no clue why he sat there, but he just let me cry ON him and gave me a hug and treated me like I wasn’t shit or anything_

_Sam: He even stood up to Campbell when he came in_

_Becca: He WHAT? That’s my job_

_Becca: Get over here I need to hear this in person_

Sam figured they would spend the rest of the night together – he’d already packed his bag. His parents knew that he’d be out. He spent more nights at Becca’s than he did at home, and they didn’t blame him. They knew that they needed to do a better job with Campbell, but that didn’t mean they could.

He took the car, speeding faster than he should have. She was waiting in the doorway for him. They went inside, signing rapidly about everything that had happened that day. She didn’t trust Grizz, but that was expected. Sam wasn’t sure if he actually trusted Grizz, either. He had been kinder than any other jock from his school, but that wasn’t a high bar. He felt like he could probably trust Grizz to help him pass the class, if he stayed in it.

One of the biggest questions on his mind was how he’d gotten so comfortable with the names. Sam found one of the hardest parts of learning the various facts was keeping all of the names straight in his head. There were a lot of them – and yet Grizz seemed to find it easy. It was strange. Becca couldn’t explain it either.


	2. What’s Sam in Chinese then? - Grizz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grizz isn't sure the Guard is his place, knowing that the Guard wasn't actually guarding anyone.

Grizz

He and Helena sat together at Harry’s family’s coffee shop. They got together every Sunday morning, before church, to practice together. Grizz and Helena had both gone to Mandarin School as kids – Helena had been complaining that she never had any friends there, so Grizz offered to go with her. Twelve years later, they both were very comfortable speaking Mandarin – when they were alone, it was all they would use with each other.

“So, how’s tutoring that one kid going? Sam, right?”

Grizz couldn’t help but laugh at the Mandarin translation of _Sam_. 山姆 – mountain, old nurse. The characters didn’t flow nearly as well as 吳承羽, which was the translation for Helena’s name, nor did they seem as comfortable as 苏高子 – even as a child he’d been tall, and the Chinese teacher who’d given him his own name called him accordingly. He was Grizz Visser in English, but in Chinese, he was _Su Gaozi_ , or _Su Tall Child_ – a name he and Helena had always appreciated. It was as random as his own ability in Mandarin. He loved it.

“It’s been going well! He’s really smart, it’s just hard to keep the dynasties straight if you’re not used to the words already.”

“Yeah, that’s true. Who’d have thought you going to Chinese School with me would ever be this useful,” she joked. They made those jokes frequently – few knew Grizz could speak Mandarin with the confidence he did. Helena and Luke were the only two fully aware of how good he was, because he’d once been at a family dinner with the Wu family. Luke had just met Helena’s parents for the first time as her boyfriend a few weeks prior, and Mr. Wu hadn’t fully trusted him spending time alone with his daughter. It wasn’t until he’d met Grizz, who vouched for Luke’s character, that he finally gave Luke a chance.

“I think he has a lot going on though. His brother’s Campbell, and apparently, he gets bullied a lot. Did you know about that?”

“Luke had mentioned some of the guys weren’t the nicest to him, but I didn’t think it was anything serious. Why, did he mention it?”

“He just mentioned he was surprised I wasn’t making fun of him,” Grizz said. He didn’t think it would be appropriate to tell Helena that Sam had ruined his shirt – that moment had been too intimate to share.

“Did he say anything about Luke doing anything,” Helena asked. She was not a fan of the football team, and while she appreciated Grizz, she couldn’t help but dislike the other boys Luke spent time with.

“ _Meiyou_ , he just mentioned Clark and Jason. I can ask next time I see him though, if you want.”

Helena thought about it for a moment. On one hand, she didn’t want to know if Luke was bullying someone; on the other hand, she couldn’t let Luke get away with treating someone poorly. “Yeah, please do.”

“Going to kick his ass if he is?”

“Do you really have to ask?”

With that, they went to church.

**

Grizz and Luke met up after the service, like they always did. It was Sunday – Sundays were for homework. Luke didn’t know how Grizz did it – king of the field, king of the classroom. Girls threw themselves at him, but he hadn’t had a girlfriend since their freshman year. He didn’t get it. He definitely wasn’t expecting Grizz to ask about Sam Eliot.

“Hey, you know Sam Eliot?”

“Yeah, the deaf kid, right?”

“Yeah. He mentioned that some guys on the team had been giving him shit. You know anything about it?”

“I mean, I know Clark and Jason aren’t the nicest guys to him. I’ve never seen them do anything, but I know I’ve heard them talk about it.”

“They talk about it? When? What the hell?”

“They know you’d rip them a new one if you ever saw it, so I think they normally wait until you leave to do shit,” Luke said, sheepishly. He didn’t know the reason Grizz was asking, but he knew that Grizz was not going to be happy. Truth be told, Luke was glad Grizz finally asked – he would do something. That’s what Grizz did.

**

_Sam E.: Hey, how are you memorizing these names so easily? I am drowning SOS_

_Grizz: Do you need CPR? Chest compressions and shit? Don’t die on me now_

_Sam E.: Grizz Visser are you offering to kiss me_

_Sam E.: Shit not a funny joke don’t hate me_

_Sam E.: sorry_

_Grizz: What for? All good my dude :)_

_Grizz: I am an awful kisser, you do not want to deal with that haha_

_Grizz: I speak Chinese. It helps when you’re used to the words_

_Sam E.: You what? Like… yeah you what?!_

_Grizz:_ _你好大婊_

_Sam E.: You’re kidding_

_Sam E.: What the fuck._

_Sam E.: What’s Sam in Chinese then?_

_Grizz:_ 山姆

_Sam E.: What’s that mean_

_Grizz: Mountainous nurse. Or like, mountain, old nurse who takes care of kids._

_Sam E.: I'd have to not be about to die alone if I was going to have kids to take care of_

_Grizz: ha ha very funny I’m sure that’s not true_

_Sam E.: Seriously becca and I just had this conversation, I’m gonna die a good Christian virgin_

_Grizz: Well if you’re planning on that, then I better see you at church next week ;)_

**

Grizz hoped he wasn’t being too flirty. He’d known he was gay for years – when Luke realized he was attracted to Helena, Grizz had a brief period where he was attracted to Luke. In his defence, Luke was easy on the eyes.

He’d never thought about coming out – he was a jock, and that was who he was. Sort of – he was also a nerd. The team gave him enough shit for always having his head in a book, but sometimes he needed an escape from reality. If he hadn’t played football and grown up in that environment, he was fairly certain his liver would be a lot healthier. He’d tried having girlfriends, but that never really worked. It wasn’t his style – lying to women to feel better about himself only made him hate himself even more, shoved him farther into a closet he didn’t want to be in.

He had always wanted to be Sam’s friend. He admired the other boy, coming out as young as he had. Grizz didn’t know the story of how everyone found out Sam was gay. He’d assumed Sam had told everyone, and Grizz admired the courage that took. He knew he couldn’t do it. Not in this environment, anyway.

Listening to Sam cry to him was hard. Grizz hated seeing people sad, almost as much as he hated the way the football team treated some of his classmates. He knew what injustice looked like – he didn’t want to be a part of it. When the football team, at least, when some of the team’s key members decided to rename themselves the Guard, he knew that he was never going to talk to them again. Luke, maybe – the rest of them would be names on a yearbook, and, just like the names on tombstones in the cemetery by Grizz’s house, they’d just be names, with no meaning attached.

He thought a lot about the name they’d chosen. “The Guard” reminded him of the Irish word for police – Garda. He didn’t know why, but the notion of being a member of the Guard bothered him – he felt that, if they were going to call themselves the Guard, they should work to make sure people felt protected. Luke had felt the same way, wanting to make the school a better place. Instead, they’d become the bullies of the school.

“Hey, Clark was saying you hadn’t been around much. Something about you not being with the Guard anymore. Do you know what that was about?”

Grizz thought about it. He’d been growing tired of the way they treated others in his presence; based on what Sam had said, it was even worse when he was gone. That wasn’t acceptable. He was going to make a chance – if he couldn’t change them, then he would change himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't tell if this is any good and if y'all have thoughts please share, I have no clue if I'm doing this right :-)


	3. No Regrets - Sam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam heard about the fight. Everyone had heard about the fight, actually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So some homophobic language

Sam heard about the fight. Everyone had heard about the fight, actually. Everyone’s social media lit up with videos of Grizz and Jason yelling at each other – no one had ever seen Grizz yell. It was terrifying. Sam had been with Becca when he got the text. He needed her to translate what was going on, because no one had thought to add subtitles to the video. No one ever thought to add subtitles.

They watched it together, Becca signing along. She started by saying they were screaming – that was important.

_Grizz: You treat people with respect or you fuck right off to Hell you asshole_

_Jason: What the fuck Grizz, suddenly you care about something? You’ve been with us since the beginning, you’re just as part of us as anything_

_Grizz: Yeah but I never knew you were fucking tormenting people! They’re just as important as your stupid ego_

_Jason: Quit being such a bitch and grow a pair, it’s just some friendly horsing around_

_Grizz: Black eyes aren’t a fucking joke! And who says you need a pair to be a badass? Ever met Becca Gelb? She’d kick your ass into next year_

_Jason: That hoe? Please I could take her?_

_Grizz: She’d kick your ass and shove a stiletto up your ass, you stupid fucker._

_Jason: I don’t do butt stuff, I’m not that homo she hangs out with_

_Grizz: Sam’s got a name, and a brain. You should try it, sometimes thinking could actually do you some good_

Clark tried to butt in, getting between the boys. _Quit fighting you two, you’re friends_

_Grizz: I’ll be your fucking friend when you learn how to be a decent human being_

With that, he walked away. The camera caught Luke, staring at the door Grizz just left through. Jason punched a wall – it looked like he broke his fist. The wall looked fine. Sam thought that Grizz had a point – thinking could maybe help him.

Neither of them said anything for a minute after the video ended. Sam had never seen Grizz get angry – he played aggressively, but he was the first person to help someone up, to pat someone on the back, or to be a nice guy. That, however, was a different side of Grizz. He looked at who’d posted it – Kelly Aldrich _._ He wondered what it would have been like to be there.

Becca was the first to speak. “Well, at least he was right. I would shove a stiletto up Jason’s ass after I beat the shit out of him. Fuck with my friends and get stabbed.”

“Do you even own a pair of stilettos?”

“No… Fuck now I need to buy stilettos to wear to class tomorrow. Wait, have you seen the kinky boots? What if I got kinky boots?”

Becca, wearing bright red thigh-highs… What a sight.

**

Sam didn’t know if he should text Grizz or not. He’d never seen Grizz get like that, and it warmed his heart to think that it was for him. That being said, Sam was worried that Grizz would be mad at him, for breaking up his friendships. He didn’t have to worry for long.

_G-Bear: Hey_

_Sam: Hey…_

_G-Bear: Saw the video I take it_

_G-Bear: Listen I know we just like actually met but I promise I’m not normally that way_

_G-Bear: I’d tried talking to them for an hour before that_

_Sam: I mean you let me cry on your shoulder for three hours_

_Sam: definitely didn’t think you were some crazy screaming angry man_

_G-Bear: Ok tbh I am crazy so I wouldn’t have blamed you_

_Sam: Fair point I guess but still_

_Sam: You didn’t have to talk to them_

_Sam: you only just found out they were being shitty to me_

_Sam: I’m really touched you cared that much_

_G-Bear: Hey, you’re a cool and important person. You lmk if anyone gives you trouble_

_G-Bear: Those guys want to go be the Guard, that’s there thing. But for you and Becca and all your friends, I have your backs_

_G-Bear: And tell Becca that I’m sure she can kick Campbell’s ass on her own, but I will 100% help her_

_Sam: She’s really into the idea of kinky boots and kicking Jason’s ass_

_Sam: We both appreciate you saying something for us_

_G-Bear: Tell her to order a size 14 if she does. I’m in on this shit. Kinky boots all the way_

_G-Bear: I just googled these things and all I have to say is damn those are some red boots_

_G-Bear: They match your hair!_

_G-Bear: Wait, that’s a guy? Shit he looks good in a dress_

_G-Bear: Can this be my Halloween costume? Because if so then fuck yes lolaaaaaa_

Sam could not stop laughing at the thought of Grizz in heels and a corset. He couldn’t think of anything to respond, and Becca grabbed his phone.

_Sam: This is Becca – yes that can be your costume but only if you lip sync and wear the right wig. We can’t have you looking busted_

_G-Bear: Glad to have you on board Becca! I’ll save looking busted for the jocks going as cheerleaders_

_G-Bear: I had to google what busted means did I use it right?_

**

Becca was convinced Grizz had a thing for Sam. “He was totally flirting with you, like hardcore. Plus, he basically just told his entire group of friends to suck a bag of dicks because he wants to suck yours! You cannot tell me in a million years that Grizz Visser is straight.”

“Ok, but even if he isn’t straight, who’s to say he wants anything to do with me?”

“He literally offered to give you mouth-to-mouth.”

“No, I think he offered the chest compressions. He offered to break my ribs. That’s a lot less romantic. That’s kinda terrifying, when you think about it.”

“OK, but he also offered to break the ribs of anyone who tried to mess with you.”

“It’s Grizz. He wouldn’t even hit Jason. What makes you think he’d break someone’s ribs?”

In indignation, Becca pulled out her phone. A few seconds later, she slapped Sam’s arm, beaming triumphantly.

_Becca: Ok question Grizz would you break someone’s ribs if they messed with Sam?”_

_Grizzabear: 100% would in theory but also no way because that sounds scary_

“Fine, you win.”

Becca looked confident, knowing that she was right. Until, suddenly, she got up and raced to the bathroom. Sam couldn’t hear the retching sounds, but he could see her leaning over the toilet. “Becca,” he called out, “you okay?”

She heard the worry in his voice, but she didn’t have time for that. She was busy being unwell into the toilet. When she finally finished, she told Sam that he should probably go home. “Food poisoning,” she said.

**

Sam didn’t want to go home. Not yet. Campbell was home, and Sam didn’t want to deal with him. He pulled out his phone and sent Grizz a text. Five seconds later, he got a response.

_G-Bear: Come on over!!!!!!!_

_G-Bear: Sorry, that’s a lot of !_

He got the address and walked over. It was only a block from Becca’s. He found Grizz waiting for him, a big smile on his face. Grizz started moving his hands in what could only be an attempt at sign language. If it were anyone else, Sam would have assumed he was being made fun of. With Grizz, he thought something got lost in translation.

“You don’t look impressed.”

“Am I supposed to understand that?”

“Um… yes.”

“What are you doing?”

“Speaking gibberish, apparently. I was trying to say ‘Hello, how are you? It’s nice to see you’ but apparently didn’t.”

He pulled out a book – it was a British Sign language book.

“That’s B-S-L. I use A-S-L,” Sam said, signing as he spoke.

“Fuck! That’s the only book I could find in the library,” Grizz said, a grin on his face. Grizz’s smile was dangerous – it made Sam feel butterflies.

“Why are you learning sign language? Are you planning on going deaf?”

“No, I’m not. I just… well, I wanted to be able to talk to you. Sign to you.”

“I can read lips. Wasn’t a problem Saturday,” Sam said, suddenly worrying that Grizz thought he was an idiot who couldn’t understand him.

“I know,” Grizz said, the warmth in his eyes calming Sam’s nerves. “I wanted to be able to talk to you, you know, in your language.”

“Oh…”

Sam’s heart was beating a thousand beats a minute. No one had ever tried to learn sign language just to talk to him. Sure, Becca and his other friends were able to sign, but they’d been around him that they’d naturally picked it up. This boy had gone and found a book, just to talk to him. Sam had never felt that special. He felt like he mattered.

“Anyway, come on in,” Grizz said, showing Sam into his house.

The house was spacious – empty, almost. It seemed like Grizz lived here alone. There were no photos on the wall, no real accessories to the furniture. It seemed lived in, but barely.

“It’s… nice,” Sam said. He wasn’t sure what to say, really – he just didn’t want to insult Grizz.

Grizz laughed at the shorter boy. “It’s empty.”

Sam said, ‘Yeah… a bit. How come?”

“My family works a lot. Plus, my mom and dad are divorced – they both remarried, and actually moved out to the West Coast a year ago. Neither of them wanted me to have to move with them and leave school, so they let me stay here. They pay the bills, I try not to break the place.”

It was a sad story, when Sam thought about it. Grizz had an entire house to himself, but that meant that he didn’t have a mother to say hello to as he came downstairs. He had to cook for himself – he never had a dad to share jokes with over dinner. He didn’t have a brother to hide from, but he didn’t have a family at all. In that moment, Sam realized the depth of what Grizz had done for him. The Guard, as little as he liked their actions, was the only family he had. He’d left his brothers, just to stand up for the deaf, gay kid. He suddenly felt immensely guilty.

Grizz could see it on his face – Sam wasn’t skilled at masking his emotions. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just the Guard was your family. I didn’t realize…”

Grizz smiled at Sam – it was a sad smile, not quite touching his eyes. It was a knowing smile. “No regrets.”

He looked at the TV in the living room. “Can we watch like a movie or something?”

Grizz nodded. “I’ll order pizza. Let’s go find a movie.”

They sat down, and Sam put in a romcom. Halfway through the movie, after having eaten his fill of pizza, he laid his head down on Grizz’s shoulder. Grizz didn’t say anything – he just wrapped his arm around Sam. Sam didn’t know what it meant, but he knew that, in this moment, he had what he wanted. In the worst-case scenario, Sam had someone to protect him. In the best-case scenario, maybe this would become something more. Either way, Sam felt like he had won.


	4. Unfortunately, You Can Steal Hearts - Grizz

Sam woke up the next morning in a bed that was not his own. It wasn’t Grizz’s either – that would have been a dream come true. But Grizz was there. Grizz was shaking his shoulder, the way a mother would.

“What time is it?”

“Time for you to get ready.”

“Why am I in your house?”

“You fell asleep during the movie, and I didn’t think you’d want me to call Campbell and ask him to pick you up or take you home. Sorry,” Grizz said. He worried he’d made the wrong decision.

“No, no, it’s fine, thank you,” Sam said, a glint of happiness in his eyes.

“I found some clothes for you to wear, and the bathroom is just down the hall. There should be an extra toothbrush in the cabinet, and I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.”

“Okay,” said Sam.

“How do you like your egss?”

**

Sam had fallen asleep right as the movie was ending. He looked so peaceful – Grizz wanted to let him enjoy the moment a little longer, so he’d carried the smaller boy up to one of the guest bedrooms. Grizz had always kept those rooms ready for someone – anyone – that never came. He’d officially been living on his own since he was sixteen, but his mother had moved out by the time he’d turned fourteen. His dad earlier still. He had kept rooms ready for them, hoping they’d come. He gave up hope when they both missed his sixteenth birthday.

Grizz set his alarm earlier than usual that day. He didn’t know how long it would take Sam to get ready, so he decided to wake the younger boy up at 6:30. He’d fully gotten ready by the time he walked into Sam’s room, clothes in hand. They were some of his old clothes – the shirt he’d worn when his mother walked out the door, a jacket his father had sent from Los Angeles. The last one he’d sent, actually. It had never fit Grizz, but he hoped it would fit Sam.

He remembered seeing how worried Sam had been, realizing Grizz had abandoned his family. This was different than the family that had abandoned him – he had no say in that. The Guard, though – he had chosen to leave. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, and he wondered if he would ever truly know what he felt about the situation. He hadn’t fit in with the guard for ages – not since their last Friendsgiving together. He knew that, as he approached college, he would leave them behind. He wanted to live proudly and love in the open. He stared into his coffee, thinking about how the day would be so different; however, he couldn’t help but appreciate how similar his days would be, too. He hadn’t spent time with the Guard outside of school since the end of summer vacation – he’d survive. He always did.

“Hey Grizz,” Sam said. He’d come downstairs, looking freshly showered and comfortable in the clothes. “Thanks again for letting me stay. I won’t make a habit of it, I swear.”

Grizz laughed, shaking his head. “Seriously, it’s no problem. Your eggs are on the table. Let me know if you want new ones, I’ve never made sunny-side up before.”

He watched Sam devour the eggs. He hoped they were good enough – Sam’s mom probably could cook circles around Grizz. Then again, most people could. Most people had moms to show them how to do it.

“These were really good,” Sam said, realizing Grizz was watching him. He blushed, turning the same shade as his hair. Grizz couldn’t help but appreciate how beautiful Sam was.

“I’m glad you enjoyed them,” he said, smiling. “Hope the clothes fit.”

They were a bit baggy, but Sam wasn’t going to say anything. He appreciated the gesture, going as far as telling Grizz that he was going to keep the jacket. Grizz had sat down at the table, just across from Sam. “All yours,’ he said, with a wink.

**

They got to school twenty minutes before the first bell. Sam had said that he wanted to talk to Becca, so Grizz made sure that he had plenty of time to do that. He watched as the younger boy had texted his mom, letting her know what had happened the night before. She offered to pay Grizz back for the pizza.

By the time they had parked, the lot was fairly full. Grizz found a spot, and they both walked into school. Becca practically jumped Sam, signing aggressively. He couldn’t follow the beautiful language – he wanted to, though. Just like he wanted to follow the beautiful boy who used it, to the end of the earth and back. Maybe even farther.

He walked off to his class, unsure of where he’d sit. The front row seemed like a better place than the back, with the rest of the Guard. He saw Helena – she was safe. Sitting next to her, he avoided her stare. The fight. He didn’t want to have to address that, ever. He couldn’t fight fate, though.

In her beautiful, secretive Mandarin, she asked, “What happened yesterday?”

“I called the boys out. Didn’t go over so well.”

“Yeah, I saw the video. Have you talked to Luke?”

“Not really, Helena. I’ve been trying to pretend I didn’t commit social suicide, so I haven’t exactly talked to anyone since yesterday.”

“Anyone at all? Everyone has been talking about it!”

“Sam and Becca, but that’s it.”

“Sam and Becca? Grizz,” she said, staring at the other boy. “You can tell me if there’s something going on, you know that, right?”

Just as he was about to respond, Clark shouted at them from the back. “Hey Grizz, leave Luke’s girl alone. Just because you don’t fuck with us anymore doesn’t mean you can fuck our girls, you freak!”

It seemed like he had more to say, but the look Helena gave him shut him up. He knew not to push her buttons. With the other girls, he knew he could say whatever he wanted. He was a jock, he was popular, and he was desirable. Becca would have slapped him, but he wasn’t scared of a slap. He could fuck over whoever he wanted, with no real repercussions. Helena, though, was not like anyone they’d ever met before. She was the type of person you didn’t get mad – she’d put you six feet under, if they found your body in the first place. She’d never actually done anything, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t.

Grizz just stared at Luke. There was a sadness in the other boy’s eyes. Grizz knew that Luke was just as fed-up as he’d been. They’d talked around the issue for long enough, confirming how the other felt without ever actually saying anything about the problem at hand. That was normal, for them. Luke wasn’t confrontational enough to talk about the issues that bothered him, but he was always glad to let his opinion be known in other ways. He looked miserable. Grizz had hoped that Luke may walk out with him – it looks like his hopes had been dashed.

“Ignore them,” Helena told Grizz. “They’re idiots.”

“I can’t believe I let myself spend time with them.”

“If we’re being honest, I can’t either. I’d always wished you and Luke had never gotten close with them, if I’m being totally honest. I can’t stand pigs.”

That was something she’d never tell Luke. She knew that Grizz was different from them – she had always felt close to Grizz. She’d grown up with him at the dinner table, with him being allowed to spend the night at her house – though that had stopped when she started dating Luke. He was practically her brother.

Grizz let out a deep breath. “They’re always worried I’d steal their girls, this isn’t some fucking pirate movie. You can’t steal someone, people aren’t things.”

Helena appreciated the clarity with which Grizz spoke. “Unfortunately, you can steal hearts. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a good thing Luke has mine,” she said, a joking wistfulness in her voice. Grizz couldn’t tell how serious she actually was. She was going to marry Luke one day – they’d talked about it in detail. Grizz was going to be the best man.

“You know, Grizz,” she said. “You think you will ever find someone?”

“I’d have to look to find something, right?”

“The best discoveries you can make happen when you find exactly what you didn’t know you needed,” she said, just as Sam walked past the door.

**

Sam wasn’t in the history class that day. Grizz didn’t think it would be like him to skip class, and he was pretty sure that Sam was at school. He’d dropped the boy off at school, after all. He hadn’t had a chance to talk to Sam at lunch – he’d sequestered himself off in the library, hoping to avoid reality for a moment. He wanted to see Sam though – and Becca, too.

Grizz didn’t see the boy for the rest of the day, sad that the glimpse of him in the hallway had been the only time he’d gotten to lay eyes on the other boy. By the time he’d gotten home, he was a mess of emotions. Grizz was normally in control of his feelings – he hadn’t cried when his mother left, and he hadn’t cried when blowing out the candles on the store-bought cake he’d had to get himself when he turned 15. Why did he want to cry now?

He looked at his phone, hoping to see an explanation. Instead, he saw a text from Helena:

_承羽_ _: I forgot your birthday is tomorrow omg we have to do something_

He’d forgotten as well. Nineteen – his last year as a teenager. He was ready for it to be over. He’d barely missed the cut-off to be in the grade above his – if he’d only he could have been born some other time. Somewhere else. To a different family.

_高_ _子_ _: I’d planned to drink with the guys but I don’t think that’s really an option anymore is it_

_承羽_ _: Pff you’re going to come celebrate with my family and then this weekend Luke and I are throwing you a birthday bash_

_承羽_ _: You can invite Sam and Becca if you want!_

_高_ _子_ _: Luke’s still Guard, remember_

_承羽_ _: Yeah he’s gonna get over that if he values his girlfriend and where his head is_

_承羽_ _: I’ll text you when we get it all set up, but dinner tomorrow, my place, 6:30?_

_高_ _子_ _: Works for me, see you tomorrow_

He went off to make himself a snack, leaving his phone on the table. By the time he’d gotten his food, he found several texts, from Sam and a number he didn’t recognize.

_Sam: So I dropped the class_

_Sam: I really wanted to tough it out but I can’t make it work and balance everything_

_Sam: I hope you’re not mad_

_???: This is Becca_

_Becca: Don’t be mad at Sam_

_Becca: He wanted to keep taking the class because he liked how nice you were to him_

_Becca: Our lunch group saw how stressed he was and we told him to drop it because he has enough shit going on_

_Sam: You have been so super nice to me and I really don’t want you to think I don’t want to be your firnd_

_Sam: friend*_

_Sam: I just don’t think that class will be a good fit and I am really sorry for wasting your time_

Grizz wasn’t sure what to do with the information. He worried that Sam had gotten mad at him, that, by letting Sam stay over, he’d done something wrong. He wanted to spend time with him in class, getting to enjoy the brilliance of his smile.

Grizz responded to Becca first.

_Grizz: Not mad. I’m gonna talk to him though_

_Becca: Seriously be nice_

_Becca: Or I won’t be._

He let out a sigh. Of course, Becca would break him if he did so much as make Sam frown. He hadn’t known Sam long, but he felt that seeing Sam frown would break him anyway. Switching to the other chat, he tried to think of what he should say. He didn’t want to sound hurt, but he couldn’t help but feel like someone had stabbed him in the heart.

_Grizz: Did I do something wrong?_

He hated how pitiful that sounded, but he couldn’t think of a better way to ask.

_Sam: What?_ _Omg no no no no you were perfect_

_Sam: like seriously the nicest_

_Sam: I had a bit of a panic attack when I realized the exam was next week_

_Grizz: Wait shit are you okay? Do you need… soup? Does soup help?_

_Sam: Seriously you were the nicest tutor I’ve ever worked with_

_Sam: All good now, but those eggs were good so I would not turn down more of your cooking_

_Grizz: I guess this means no more tutoring, huh?_

_Sam: Yeah, I guess it does :(_

_Sam: Anyway, thank you for being so nice and standing up to the Guard and everything_

_Sam: I feel like a dick because you did so much and I couldn’t handle a single test_

_Grizz: No, don’t worry about it_

_Grizz: You know, we can still hang out outside of class_

_Sam: You’d want to?_

_Sam: You already stood up for me_

_Sam: You don’t have to pity me or anything_

_Grizz: Pity? No, I want to!!_

_Grizz: You’re fun to watch movies with :)_

_Sam: Really?_

_Grizz: How about you teach me ASL?_

“Anything,” Grizz thought out loud, not speaking to anyone in particular. “Anything to spend more time with you.”

_Sam: Thursday after school? Does your house work?_

_Grizz: It’s a date then :)_

_Sam: Um, okay then!!_

Grizz realized that he had called it a date after he’d sent the text. He couldn’t tell if he wanted it to be a date or not though. Actually, he knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted to be curled up on the couch, head against Sam’s shoulder, just like last night.

“I think I have a crush on Sam Eliot.”


	5. Perspectives

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Content warning about Cassandra's shooting

**Grizz**

It was Wednesday – just like any other Wednesday, Grizz got dressed, made himself food, and lived his life. It was his birthday, but he’d stopped caring about that a long time ago – he hated buying himself cake, waiting for texts that would never come from parents who didn’t remember he existed most of the time, and wishing he wasn’t so fucking lonely.

He got in his car, wondering if this year would be different than the other years. It would be – obviously. The only people who knew when Grizz’s birthday was were the Guard, Helena, Gwen. And Cassie. Cassandra Pressman – she’d been killed near the start of the summer. She and Grizz had coexisted for a long time, living comfortably in each other’s silence. They had been in the same church class, with Helena. The three of them had been inseparable outside the walls of the church, in the same way Grizz and Luke had been inseparable in elementary school. She hated that Grizz had joined the Guard when he got to high school, but she appreciated that he genuinely wanted to protect and uplift people. She wrinkled her nose when Grizz introduced Helena and Luke in seventh grade, but she had grown to accept Luke, too.

She and Grizz had gone to their junior prom together. As they sat in her room, getting ready, Grizz had told her. She was the only person who Grizz had told – he was going to tell Helena, too, but she hadn’t gotten there until later. He was going to tell her, too. Eventually.

Cassandra had taken it well. She was supportive, and she said all the right things. She always knew what to say – class president, leader of the debate team, state champion in Speech. She was a powerful force. She was also the best person to tell. They’d danced the night away, laughed like they’d never worried about anything before, and lived like the night would never end.

She was on her way to the after-prom when it happened. Grizz had dropped her off to change, and he was planning to meet her there. She never got there – she’d been found on the pavement right outside her house, two bullets lodged in her body. She had seen her killer. Her family raced out, watching as she bled out, their screams drowning out the sound of the sirens as they raced against the clock to save her. They lost.

The police had found her killer a month after the murder. He’d blabbed to Harry Bingham, who had eventually brought the information to the police. Grizz had gone to the trial and to the sentencing. He watched as his classmate, Greg Dewey, was indicted. He’d been charged as an adult. He’d die in prison.

That ordeal had changed Grizz. He couldn’t sit by and listen to the way the Guard, and friends of the Guard, talked about women. Jason was the worst, by far. Harry wasn’t great, but Harry was friends with Campbell. Grizz hated Campbell, long before he knew how poorly he treated his brother. He couldn’t see himself continue to be friends within the culture that Dewey had blamed for inspiring him to shoot his friend. That didn’t work.

He thought about Cassie as he drove to school. She’d have texted him happy birthday, even though his parents would have forgotten. Again.

**

**Helena**

Grizz had been silent throughout the lunch hour. She’d left her table with the Guard, with Luke, to go sit with Grizz on the roof of the school. They weren’t technically allowed up there, but no one had stopped them yet. 

“Pretty leaves,” she said, pointing to the trees. They were turning red – the vibrance of the New England autumn always made her feel at home.

“They’re beautiful,” he responded. “They remind me of Sam Eliot’s hair, for some reason.”

He quickly looked down – she knew that look. He hadn’t intended to say the last part out loud.

“Grizz, do you have something you need to get off your chest?”

He lifted his head, letting his gaze meet hers. “Did Cassie text you? That night?”

“No. Cassie never would’ve broken your trust like that,” she said, smiling.

“I miss her.”

“Me too, Grizz. I miss her laugh. It was so infectious. We would always laugh our way through homework.”

“I miss those days. This school feels different without her.”

“Can I ask what you told her?”

Grizz looked at Helena, or past her – she wasn’t quite sure. “I think I’m gay, Helena. I like guys. I’ve known for a while, now.”

She didn’t say anything; she just reached over, hugging him. She didn’t need to tell him it was going to be okay, or that things would get better, or that she loved him for who he was. She let him feel it, pouring as much love as she could into that hug. She heard Grizz sob, quietly. She was going to sit there, with him, until he was ready.

**

That night, before dinner, her parents raced around the house, decorating the house. They wanted to give Grizz the best birthday they could – although Helena had never explicitly told them, they knew that Grizz didn’t have a family at home. Helena’s mother, Qiuye, remembered hearing the stories surrounding his parents’ disappearance.

The father, Adam, had left the family to pursue a career in directing in California. His wife, Amy, had supported him, until she found out that he had found a new woman. New women. Grizz had been ten. She had given up on her family shortly thereafter, letting Grizz be in charge of everything. On Grizz’s fourteenth birthday, she had left for a job interview in Seattle. She promised him that she’d come back soon – it had been four years, and she had yet to make her way back to the town. Her new wife seemed nice enough, from what Qiuye had seen on social media.

Qiuye didn’t forgive Amy, though. She tried her best to raise Grizz from a far, bringing him to Chinese classes, letting him spend as much time as he needed at their house, always making sure that Helena had an extra lunch packed, just in case. She worried about him.

The doorbell rang, and Qiuye watched as her daughter led Grizz into the dining room. She and her husband both yelled _“Huanying guanglin!”_ – Welcome. Helena loved the sound of her parents’ Mandarin. Her mother spoke with the cute accent of a Taiwanese woman, while her father spoke with the harsh rhotacization of a hardened Beijing man.

Grizz smiled the same smile he gave Sam, as he’d tucked the other boy in. Helena didn’t know about that, but she recognized the level of happiness on Grizz’s face.

“You’ll be back next week for _yuebing_ , right, Gaozi?”

“ _Dangran!”_

“Good, we’ll make extra. Do you like the _hongdousha_ or the _lianrong_ more?”

“Mom, I heard that there are matcha and ice-cream yuebing at the store now! We should see if we can get some of those, too!”

Grizz said, “Ice-cream? That sounds amazing!”

The parents and the children debated on whether or not the ice cream moon cakes would be acceptable for the festival or not. Helena knew that, had she asked on her own, she probably would not have gotten anywhere – thankfully, she had Grizz with her. Her parents always said yes to Grizz. She thought they were making up for the parents Grizz barely had, who didn’t say anything to him.

**

Grizz’s face was covered in cake. It was also on the cake. Fengmian had gotten two cakes – one, just to push Grizz’s face into. The other, to share. Helena knew her family was extra, especially for Grizz. She loved them for it.

“ _Ni ba_ , he’s crazy,” Grizz laughed.

“Oh, totally. But also, you look amazing right now,” she said, laughing as icing dripped off of Grizz’s nose.

“Hey, I’ve heard sugar is amazing for exfoliation. Who needs Korean skincare when you have the Fengmian Cake Regime!”

“So true. By the way, Becca and Sam had no clue it was your birthday today!”

Grizz rolled his eyes, groaning. “You didn’t.”

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with him! I wanted to let him know to wish you a happy birthday! Did Luke text you?”

“Not yet.”

“I’m gonna beat his ass tomorrow if he doesn’t.”

“So, is this what having a sister is like?”

There was annoyance in Grizz’s voice, but Helena didn’t miss the appreciation that was there, too. “Obviously. You’re my older brother, and I’m your younger sister, just in a different life. My parents are Western Zhou era royals, and we’re just living our best lives.”

“Well, princess, thank you. For everything. Tonight was amazing.”

Helena flopped down on her bed, facing Grizz, who was sat at her desk. “So, you and Sam Eliot… What was that about the leaves reminding you of his hair,” she asked.

Grizz rolled his eyes – he did that a lot around her.

“Bitch, open up! I want to know everything,” she said, acting like the best little sister she could. She watched Grizz laugh, before adding, “I have an entire high school’s worth of talking about guys with you to catch up on, get talking!”

**

**Luke**

Luke sat in Clark’s basement, phone in hand. They, along with Harry, had been debating something worthless. The price of weed, or who the best person to get booze from was, or something. He wasn’t really paying attention.

He was too focused on the text he had written out. He’d tried to find the words, but he couldn’t get it to sound sincere. He wanted Grizz to know he was sincere.

 _Hey Grizz, sorry for not texting earlier. Happy Birthday. Hope things are going well. Miss having you around_.

The truth was, Luke couldn’t stand the Guard without Grizz. Both had stuck around for the other – but now that Grizz was gone, it was unbearable. He couldn’t believe Grizz had finally snapped. It had been terrifying to watch, but also, it had been amazing. Luke wished he could be that brave, sometimes.

He stared at the text for another minute, before hitting send.

“Hey guys,” he started. “Did any of you wish Grizz a happy birthday?”

“Fuck no, fuck that guy,” said Clark. He was three beers in, on a Wednesday night.

“Yeah, fuck him! Thinking he can get all high and mighty, not our fault he can’t take a fucking joke.”

Luke knew that it was far more than a joke. He’d heard of some of the things that Clark and Jason had done to his classmates. “What if Grizz was right, though? Like, we call ourselves the Guard, but what the fuck do we actually guard? Our egos? What’s the fucking point?”

Jason paused his game, remembering that they’d already had this conversation once this week. “Like I said last time, don’t think so much. You never were the best quarterback, didn’t have the brain for it. You could’ve left with Grizz, but here you are. You made a choice, Luke. You picked us.”

That sounded threatening – Luke knew that, on their own, these three shared a braincell between them. He remembered that, just a few nights ago, Campbell had shown up with them – he wanted the Guard around, to make his life easier, or something. Luke didn’t trust Campbell, and he didn’t like the way he treated his girlfriend. Maybe he wanted the Guard around so that he could keep his girlfriend on a leash, or so that he could sick the Guard on whoever knew too much about his relationship. Whatever it was, it didn’t seem healthy.

Luke knew that Helena didn’t like the boys. In truth, he was not sure he did, either. He wanted to go somewhere with his life, like Grizz had.

He got a text from Helena – it was a picture. It was of her and Grizz, making funny faces and laughing. Attached was a simple message – _come join!_

“Yo, what the fuck, Luke? Where are you going?”

He didn’t know who called it out. He didn’t care. Leaving the basement, walking through the house, to his car, he headed over to Helena’s. He couldn’t change the choice he’d made less than a week ago, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t choose now.

**

**Sam**

Sam was sitting in his room, studying, when Helena had come over. She’d told him to wish Grizz a happy birthday – he had no clue that Grizz’s birthday was near the start of the school year. He felt horrible for not knowing. Becca and he had decided to record them signing the birthday song for him in ASL. Sam wondered when she’d be out of the restroom. She’d been getting sick a lot, recently. It was so bad, she carried a toothbrush with her, just in case.

“You okay,” he signed, as she walked out of the bathroom.

“Yeah.”

“Food poisoning?”

“Yeah, probably. Anyway, are we going to film this?”

“Yeah, let’s do this.”

They both signed the song, laughing at the end – they weren’t good at being serious around each other. After sending the video off, Becca and Sam sat down to watch Netflix and talk, like they always did.

“So, is it just me, or do you have a thing for Grizz?”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” Sam signed.

“Really? Because those aren’t your clothes.”

“What?”

Sam had forgotten that he was still wearing Grizz’s jacket.

“Those aren’t your clothes. I know your closet as well as I know you, you have like six shirts. That hoodie is not yours. The shirt you wore yesterday wasn’t yours either.”

“Fine, fine. I spent the night there Monday night.”

“YOU WHAT?”

“I went over to his house after you got sick, and he and I watched a movie. I fell asleep there, and he let me spend the night. Gave me clothes in the morning, made me breakfast, the whole thing. It was really sweet.”

“You had your tutor make you breakfast and give you his clothes? Wait did you two fuck?”

“I don’t even know if he’s gay, didn’t come up.”

“Didn’t he ask you for sign language tutoring though? And didn’t he call it a date?”

“I think he was just using the expression. And yeah, I dropped the class he was tutoring me for, and he said he wanted to keep hanging out. I felt bad, he gave up his friends just to stand up for me.”

“So that fight was all about how they’d been bullying you? He’s one of the Guard, how did he think they were treating you?”

“I don’t know. But when I told him, he looked really mad. Then, the fight happened.”

“He’s in love with you, it’s obvious.”

“I wish.”

“So, you DO have a thing for him!”

“Fine, maybe I do.”

**

_G-Bear: that video was amazing, thank you so much :)_

_Sam: our pleasure! :)_

_Sam: Hope your birthday went well_

_Sam: Did you celebrate it with anyone?_

_G-Bear: Yeah, I spent the night with Helena and her family_

_G-Bear: Luke dropped by too_

_G-Bear: I think he quit the Guard_

_Sam: Really??_

_G-Bear: Yeah. He said he was tired of pretending to be okay with the shit they were doing_

_G-Bear: He apparently knew about what they were doing to you_

_G-Bear: I yelled at him for that and now he feels bad_

_Sam: you didn’t have to_

_G-Bear: Yeah I did_

_G-Bear: I’m excited for sign language lessons! :)_

_G-Bear: Wait when is your birthday?_

_Sam: Next week. Friday._

_G-Bear: Omg you’re born on the mid-autumn festival this year! You have to come celebrate with us!_

_G-Bear: Just checked with Helena, she said you and Becca are totally invited_

_Sam: The Mid-Autumn festival?_

_G-Bear: It’s a Chinese celebration. We eat moon cakes_

_Sam: I’ll have to think about it_

_Sam: Becca may not want to come_

_Sam: Becca’s been getting sick a lot recently_

_G-Bear: Not to be that person, but is Becca pregnant?_

_G-Bear: No judgement if she is or not, just like, getting sick a lot happens with morning sickness_

No fucking way. Sam was going to have to talk to Becca about that tomorrow at school. What if Grizz was right?

_Sam: uuuuuuh I have no clue_

_Sam: Can you not mention anything just in case? Like to anyone_

_G-Bear: Secret’s safe with me!_

_G-Bear: Are you coming to the birthday party thing this weekend?_

_Sam: No, I never really get invited to things._

_G-Bear: Well then Sam Eliot, I am formally inviting you and Becca to my birthday party_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear what people think! The past stories I've written haven't really been about the whole high school experience, and I really want to kind of focus on that. I'm going to try and work in more elements of the show to this fic, but we'll see how that goes. 
> 
> Thanks for reading this!!!


	6. Birthday Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the link to the song Grizz sings - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc2gE_MReEk
> 
> He may change some of the words ;)

**Sam**

Sam stood outside of Luke’s house, Becca next to him. She was invited to parties all the time, bringing Sam as her plus-one every time. For the first time, he got to bring her to a party.

Okay, Grizz had technically invited them both. However, Sam wanted to savour the moment – someone wanted him to come to an event, instead of tolerating him at whatever party it was. He wasn’t used to this feeling. Being wanted, desired, appreciated was new to him, and, while he knew that Grizz was playing for a different team, it still felt good to be _formally invited_ somewhere.

He turned his eyes to Becca, too nervous to ring the doorbell himself. “This is the right address, right?”

“Yeah,” she said. “You sure you don’t want to go back to your place and watch Netflix? That one sci-fi show got a second season, I want to finish it before it comes out!”

“That one where they’re trapped with no adults?”

“Yeah, that one! Come on, let’s skip this and go watch that instead.”

“Becca, I want to be here.”

“Ugh, fine,” she signed. With a sigh, she rang the doorbell.

Inside, she saw a scene unlike the ragers she was used to. Normally, when she was invited to a party, couples would be spilling their drinks on each other, creating chaos, and trying to dance while six vodkas in. Here, she found everyone sitting in a circle, chatting – Helena, Luke, Allie, and a few other faces. She recognized most of them, having seen many of the faces in class or at events, but she never bothered learning their names.

When Grizz saw them, he got up and waved – like one of those crazy things outside of car dealerships. It was endearing – Sam couldn’t help but smile. “Come in! We have drinks in the kitchen, and we’re all just talking and listening to music in here.”

Sam went to the kitchen and found a bottle of something. He mixed it with another bottle, and then found something with the word _mixer_ on it. He took a sip – it tasted like a mistake. He hoped his drink was the only mistake of the night. Becca just took a lemonade. Making their way back into the living room, they saw that the circle had been made bigger for them. They sat down next to Helena and Luke, trying to figure out what the group was talking about.

“Pause for a sec, everybody,” Luke said, turning to Sam. “How do this? Like make it easiest for you to follow everything?”

“Um, speak slowly, and if you don’t mind looking at me when you’re speaking, then I can try and read your lips.”

“Do we need to turn on more lights to make it easier,” another girl asked. Sam recognized her from social media – he’d seen her slung around Clark, before they’d broken up. Gwen, he thought.

“Yeah, that would be great, if you don’t mind.”

**

An hour in, Sam couldn’t believe how amazing the group was to him. They made sure they took turns speaking, even going as far as pointing at the next person when someone else started talking. They’d brought out two lamps, to make it easier for Sam to see, and, when they realized when they’d been speaking too quickly, they slowed down and repeated themselves. He’d never had anyone actively try to make him feel accommodated – no, he’d never had anyone try to make him feel welcome. That was what this was, he realized. These people wanted him there.

They got to the topic of prom – Grizz was being very tight-lipped about if he wanted to go with anyone. Sam thought he saw Helena sneak him a glance when Grizz was speaking, but he couldn’t be sure. When his turn came, he joked that he was going to go alone, again. “I’m probably going to die a perfect Christian virgin, if we’re being honest.”

“What if someone came out though,” Helena asked.

Sam thought for a moment. “Depended on who it was, I suppose.”

Luke took a swig of his drink, laughing. “What if it was Clark?”

“Definite no,” he said.

“Good call,” said Gwen. “What? He kisses like he’s trying to swallow a dead fish whole. I’m all for guys making girls scream, trust me,” she said, emphasizing the word scream. “But for the right reasons. Grossed out doesn’t work.”

They kept talking, and even Becca joined the conversation. They laughed, watching everyone get more and more drunk, and the questions and answers became even more ridiculous.

“Sam, if you had to ride a pony backwards, while naked, juggling porcupines, or had to spend ten minutes discussing poetry with Jason, which would you pick?”

“Porcupines, definitely. Staring at Jason shirtless for ten minutes? Maybe. But talking to him? Nope.”

“Allie, if you had to be in charge of a town, would you rather ban guns or mandate that everyone had to have a pet rat?”

“What?”

“You heard me!”

“Get rid of the guns… and also make sure everyone had a pet rat? They can be cute!”

“Grizz, if you were locked in a room and the only way out was to kiss someone, and the only people in the room were Sam and Luke, who would you pick?”

“Um… Is there a mirror in the room,” he slurred.

“Sure.”

“Then I’m going to kiss the mirror,” he said, giving Sam an awkward smile. What was that supposed to mean? Sam would have definitely picked Grizz over Luke.

By about midnight, everyone had started to go home. Grizz, Helena, Luke, Allie, and Sam sat alone – Becca had left an hour ago, leaving him with the group. She had something in the morning, she’d said.

Grizz had consumed a lot of alcohol. He was drunk to the point that he probably was not going to remember it in the morning, and he sat in the corner singing to himself.

“What’s that that he’s singing,” Allie asked.

**

**Helena**

“It’s a song in Chinese.”

Grizz droned on in the background. _“Gei wo yi ge wen, keyi bu keyi? Wen zai wo de lian shang_ ,“ he sang. “ _Shanmu, wo yao ni gei wo yi ge wen!”_

“What’s he saying?”

“Give me a kiss, could you? On my face,” she said. She debated if she should translate everything he was saying – he knew, and she knew that he was singing to Sam. Luke could probably guess – after six years together, he’d learned enough Mandarin to follow along when her parents talked. They normally spoke Fujianese at home, but her parents switched to Mandarin because they had found him with a book in his bag, trying to teach himself. They were good parents. “I want you to give me a kiss.”

“That’s such a romantic song,” Sam said. He had no idea that Grizz was singing it to him.

“ _Zhege Shanmu, ta zhende hen hao kan. Wo zenme hui xiangxin ta shi zhende, ta zheme shuai._ _Wo weishenme meiyou ta name shuai? Wo yao ta gei wo yi ge wen_ ,“ he contined. “ _Luoke, wo xi huan nan sheng. Zhi xi huan nan sheng. Ni de nü pengyou hen piaoliang, danshi wo bu xi huan ta.”_

“What’s he saying now,” Sam asked.

“It’s just incoherent babble,” Luke said, giving Helena a look. Grizz had actually whined something to the effect of – “this Sam, he’s really good looking. How can I believe he’s real, he’s so handsome. Why am I not as handsome as him? I want him to kiss me,” followed by, “Luke, I like men. Just men. Your girlfriend is pretty, but I don’t like her.”

Luke didn’t know a lot of Mandarin, and he certainly wasn’t very good at using what he did know, but he had understood exactly what Grizz had said.

“I think it’s time to get him up to bed,” Luke said. “Anyone who needs a place can stay here, I get not wanting to come home drunk.”

Luke always made sure that he had space in his house for people who didn’t trust themselves to get home, or worse yet, didn’t trust their parents enough to not cause problems when coming to pick them up. His parents had always been very relaxed about him drinking, and they had taught him to make sure that everyone felt safe in his home – he wasn’t going to talk about that, though. They were gone for the weekend, and he was just going to offer everyone space.

“I’ll stay, if you don’t mind,” said Allie.

“Me too.”

Luke got up, and everyone helped him get Grizz up, ultimately letting him lean against Luke. He showed Sam to a room with two beds, and he dropped Grizz off at the other one. Allie was in a room with Helena down the hall, but she wanted to talk to Luke before they went to bed. “Will this be good,” she asked Sam.

“Perfect, thank you.”

“Grizz snores.”

“Won’t be a problem,” he said, laughing.

**

“So, are we going to talk about the fact that Grizz is gay,” Luke asked. “How long have you known?”

“He told me on Wednesday.”

“You didn’t tell me? He couldn’t tell me?”

Helena couldn’t ignore the pain in Luke’s voice, but she knew that it wasn’t her secret to tell. “Luke, Grizz would have never talked to either one of us again if I told you. He probably didn’t even realize we were still in the room, just talking to himself.”

“Did you see how he looked at Sam?”

“Yeah,” she said.

“Did you know about that, too?”

“What was I supposed to do, Luke? Grizz is scared shitless of coming out, it’s not like I was going to just tell everyone his big secret!”

“But he could have told me…”

“Luke, the first person he told was Cassandra. On the night she was killed. I don’t think he was particularly willing to talk to anyone after that, do you?”

Helena hadn’t wanted to bring it up, but Grizz had been really bothered by Cassandra’s death. She knew that he had started pulling away from Luke, from the Guard, after her trial. He wanted to find who he was – and she and Luke both knew that being gay didn’t work with the life he’d had.

“Is that why he left the Guard?“

“You’d have to ask him yourself. I don’t know.”

She watched Luke, deep in thought. “No,” he said. “I want him to tell me when he’s ready, not when he’s drunk. You’re right. Keep this between us?”

She walked over, giving him a kiss as she sat down next to him. “Definitely.”

**

**Sam**

Grizz had snored. Sam hadn’t been bothered by it, though. It wasn’t exactly the type of issue that could cause him many problems. When Sam finally did wake up, it was to the smell of breakfast.

By the time he and Grizz got downstairs, Luke had prepared a big breakfast for everyone. “Morning, everyone!”

Just like the night before, they sat and talked – this time over a delicious breakfast, instead of alcohol. He liked this environment a bit better.

Grizz was much soberer, and he barely remembered what he’d said last night. He remembered starting to sing, but he went black after the first verse. It had been fascinating, watching Grizz sing in Chinese. For someone who survived off of reading lips, it had been impossible to follow what Grizz had been saying. That made it interesting – Grizz continued to be a mystery.

“So, Sam,” Helena said. “I heard your birthday is next Friday?”

“Yeah, it is.”

“Did Grizz tell you that’s the Mid-Autumn festival?”

“He mentioned it, but I don’t know what that means.”

“It’s a really big Chinese holiday. Listen, do you and Becca want to come to my family’s celebration? Allie, you’re invited, like every year.”

Allie nodded. “It’s a lot of fun, Sam.”

“I can’t speak for Becca. Hell, I can barely speak anyway, but I’d love to go.”

“No,” said Grizz. “You speak really well.”

Sam couldn’t help but melt when Grizz smiled at him.

**

Sam locked himself in his room before Campbell or anyone else in his family could ask him how the party had been. He didn’t want to deal with them – he had to face the facts. He was falling for Grizz. He’d promised himself he would never pine over a straight boy, let alone one of the jocks. And yet, he couldn’t help but get butterflies whenever he talked to Grizz.

They had done their first day of ASL tutoring two days prior. Grizz had been so close – Sam had just wanted to reach out and kiss him. It was amazing, watching the other boy spend so much time on each sign, trying to get his fingers into the right shapes – “m” had been a bit of a challenge. Sam could watch Grizz for hours – ideally shirtless, next time. He was shaken from his daydreaming when his phone buzzed.

_Becca: How was the party?_

_Becca: get shitfaced?_

_Sam: No, just lots of talking_

_Sam: Grizz did at one point_

_Sam: He sang in Chinese_

_Becca: Boy speaks Chinese? Damn_

_Becca: So, are you hopelessly in love with him?_

_Sam: Fuck how’d you know?_

_Sam: I literally just realized that this morning how did you already know_

_Becca: I watched you stare at him last night_

_Sam: That bad?_

_Becca: Worse._

_Sam: Fuck_

_Sam: Do you think he noticed?_

_Becca: I think he stared back_

_Sam: No way_

_Sam: Grizz is straight_

_Sam: How did your thing this morning go?_

_Becca: About that_

_Becca: Sam I know text is not the best place for this news_

_Becca: Sam… can you promise to keep this a secret?_

_Sam: Of course_

_Becca: Sam… I’m pregnant._

_Sam: OMG… congratulations?_

_Becca: Thanks. I’m not sure what to do_

_Sam: who’s the dad?_

_Becca: fuck off Sam_

_Sam: what???_

_Becca: I tell you I’m pregnant and the first question you have is who’s the dad? That’s not fucking okay you asshole_

_Sam: I’m sorry_

When Becca didn’t respond, Sam knew that she’d take her time to be mad. He knew that the question was fair – he hadn’t even made any jokes, like he normally did. She’d talk to him when she’d calmed down.

In the meantime, he had an issue. An issue that, as he looked at his phone, was more serious than he’d thought.

_G-Bear: I hope you had a lot of fun last night :) I’m really glad you came :)))_


	7. about… the singing - Grizz

It didn’t take long for Grizz to have that conversation with Luke. He knew that Luke knew – he didn’t remember telling Luke that he was gay, nor did he remember serenading Sam in front of Luke, but Allie had recorded him singing. She sent it to him in the morning, and he’d realized how much he’d shared. In hindsight, he felt it wasn’t fair to ask Helena to keep that secret from Luke – he was one of the most important people in both of their lives. Grizz’s future best man, should he ever get married, and Helena’s future husband. He knew Luke wanted to propose, one day. He waited for them to get done with church and texted them to meet him for brunch. 

Grizz had stopped going for the most part – as he became more confident in his sexuality, he realized that he needed to find groups of people that would uplift him. Helena was incredibly supportive – the congregation, however, consisted of the families of his classmates. He saw how they had been raised, how they treated Sam, and he didn’t want to be a part of that. He didn’t think of himself as better than that – he just thought that he didn’t need that. As a result, he always talked to Helena and Luke after they went. He liked hearing the sermons, and he loved hearing Helena’s thoughts – in another life, he thought she would have been an amazing preacher.

They’d just finished discussing the sermon, when Grizz decided Luke should know. Or rather, he should tell Luke as sober Grizz. Luke was his closest friend – Grizz felt that he needed to let Luke know. Sitting across from him – Helena was there too, but she already knew – Grizz felt more anxious than he’d ever felt. It reminded him of when he told Cassandra, only worse. Luke was the first guy that Grizz wanted to tell.

Grizz had spent a long time thinking about why it was easier to tell the women in his life. Helena and Cassandra had not been as nerve-wracking as even thinking about telling Luke – the thought of finally sharing his deepest secret with his best friend kept him up at night. “So, how was church?”

“It was nice,” said Helena. “How’s your hangover? Still feeling Friday night?”

“No, all good now,” Grizz said, laughing.

“So, what’s up?”

“Well, I wanted to talk to you, Luke, about… the singing.”

“You remember that,” Luke said, eyebrows shooting up.

“Not actually. Allie sent me a video of it though.”

“You sounded good! Really,” said Luke. He watched as Grizz studied his reaction.

“You understood the song.”

“Not all of it.”

“Enough of it, though.”

Luke paused for a second, meeting Grizz’s stare. “Yeah, I did.”

“So, you know.”

“What is there to know, Grizz?”

The question was almost a challenge – no, Grizz realized. The question was an invitation.

“I’m gay, Luke.”

As he said it, he felt all the stress leave his body. He’d been terrified of this moment for years, worrying how his friend would respond. Anxiously wondering if his best friend would hate him, or if he would accept him. Saying the words felt more freeing than Grizz could comprehend – the weight lifted from his shoulders, and he was finally able to breathe again.

“I mean, I would have rather have this conversation before you sang it for me but thank you for telling me. Seriously, it means a lot.”

Grizz saw Luke start to tear up – he had always pretended to be a macho man, but he was always the first person to cry in a sad movie. “I’m glad you trusted me with it.”

Tears beginning to cloud his own vision, Grizz said, “Of course. Always.”

**

“Have you told your family yet,” Luke asked, sitting across from Grizz in a corner booth at the ice cream shop.

“No. Not yet.”

“Are you going to?”

Grizz had to think for a moment. He felt like he should – they were his family, after all. Then again, family didn’t abandon you. “Honestly, I’m not sure yet. I don’t know if they deserve to know, you know? Like if they wanted to still be a part of my life, then they’d stop by. Hell, they’d send a fucking text.”

“Yeah. I take it you haven’t heard from them?”

“Not even a happy birthday text.”

“Fuck them, man.”

Grizz had heard Luke say that about his family before. On some level, it always bothered him. He wanted to love them, and he wanted them to love him. They were his family, after all. He felt like he should be loyal to them, at least, if not love them. However, this time, he felt nothing – Grizz realized that he owed them nothing. They were nothing but a checkbook to him, writing lots of zeros to make Grizz feel less lonely – zeros couldn’t make up for the lost memories, though.

“Honestly? Yeah. Fuck them.”

“What are you going to do if you a bring a guy to your family Christmas?”

“They’re both too busy with their new families to remember to invite me. Remember last year?”

Grizz watched as Luke grimaced – he’d gone over to Grizz’s house on Christmas morning, only to find Grizz crying quietly on the couch. He’d gone through the trouble of putting up a tree, hanging up their stockings, doing everything he could to make it feel like Christmas. Neither parent showed. Luke hoped they never dared show their face again, in all honesty. He knew that Grizz would never address it with them, but Luke was certain that he’d not be able to contain how much they made his blood boil.

“Different topic then. Sam Eliot?”

“He’s cute, okay?”

“So, have you told him?”

“Nope, you’re the first guy I’ve told. No one else.”

Luke didn’t say anything, but Grizz knew that it meant something to him. “Thanks, man.”

They sat in silence, enjoying the tranquility that came with the freedom Grizz now had. He’d set himself free, telling Luke.

“So, did you leave the Guard because of you being gay, or was it because of Sam, or what? Because, majorly good call, but pushed you over the edge?”

“Honestly, I just remember being really mad. I heard that they’d been bullying Sam, and I saw them, and I exploded.”

“You don’t remember what you said?”

“No clue.”

“Something along the lines of ‘eat my whole ass, you motherfuckers.’ Which, now that I think about it, tells me a lot more about you than I’d thought,” he said, laughing.

“You can think?”

“Hey, I’m not Clark.”

“Two brain cells still aren’t a lot, buddy.”

“Better than one.”

They both burst into a fit of giggles, unable to ignore how great it felt to banter back and forth like they used to. Before the Guard, before secrets, before it all. They had both missed it – being able to be themselves, not pretending to fit into some clique, or meeting the requirements of some stereotype.

“So how did you figure out you were gay? Was there a moment, or what happened?”

A devilish grin plastered across his face, Grizz said, “We are not having this conversation about your ass.”

Luke had just taken a sip of his coke – he promptly sprayed it all over Grizz, unable to believe what he’d just heard. “My ass?!”

**

“So, are you going to tell Sam that you’re madly in love with him,” Allie asked?

Grizz couldn’t help but protest. “I’m not madly in love with him!”

“Mostly in love with him.”

Grizz rolled his eyes. “Like him.”

“Semantics.”

“No, I haven’t yet. I don’t know if I should, if I’m being honest.”

Allie had taken the news well. She’d watched him oogle at Sam over drinks, and then again over breakfast the next morning. She was attentive – she knew it wasn’t her place to ask, and it wasn’t her job to push, but she knew that Grizz had been keeping a secret. She remembered the vibrance of his laugh before his parents had left, before he’d even realized he was hiding a secret. For the first time in an eternity, he laughed like that again. That was all that mattered to her.

“You totally should tell him.”

“What would I even say? Hi Sam, turns out I’m gay and like you a lot. Date me maybe?”

“That would certainly get the point across. Do you want to date him, though?”

“I mean… kind of? He’s a year younger than me though and with college coming up next year, I don’t really know what to do with that. Like he’ll be here still, and I’ll be off being gay at some college somewhere, and I don’t want to just start something if I’m going to drop it in six months, you feel?”

“He’s not staying.”

“What?”

“The asshole is abandoning me! He’s graduating a year early.”

“Oh.”

“I think you two are looking at similar colleges, actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Besides, you clearly like him. High school sucks, but maybe you two can end on a high note. Not that you won’t be high half the time, anyway,” she said. It was true that Grizz was a well-known stoner.

“Hey! I haven’t smoked since I met Sam,” Grizz said. It was true – since meeting Sam, and since starting to come out, he hadn’t needed to smoke. He didn’t have nearly as many emotions to hide from in a cloud of smoke.

“See! Making changes, being a better person. It almost sounds like you’re trying to impress someone,” she said. “Talk to him. The worst thing that could happen is he says no.”

The thing was, Grizz wasn’t sure if he’d be able to handle a no. He could handle the idea that his friends might have rejected him when he came out, but could he handle the rejection of the first guy he’d really felt feelings for? That was a different level of terrifying.


	8. The Year of Grizz - Sam

Sam stared at the list of applications he hadn’t started, the full force of what he was doing starting to hit. Sam had chosen to graduate early, to graduate with Becca – and now, to graduate with Grizz. He’d made the decision at the end of the previous school year, long before the football player had entered his life. Former – Grizz wasn’t playing his senior year. Instead, Grizz was spending his senior year learning sign language. Sam had never seen someone as dedicated as Grizz – in the very short time he had known Grizz, he’d watched as the other boy approached sign language with the same dedication that he had approached football with. Daily, for hours on end, dedicated to perfection. Grizz was perfection, Sam mused.

Sam had given the previous three years titles, pretending his life was a movie. In eighth-grade, he’d truly come to realize he was gay – _The Year of Secrets_. His freshman year, he finally told Becca that he was gay – _The Year of Truth_. Sophomore year, he had finally come out to his other friends, his family, and the school – _The Year of Freedom_. Each year had been highlighted by the crushing loneliness of being gay, unable to escape the reality that he was the only one. In eighth-grade, he’d been convinced he was the only one, alone in his feelings. By his freshman year, he hated how little he trusted himself, letting him only feel truly himself when around Becca – he hated that he couldn’t be himself all of the time. Sophomore year, he’d hated how lonely coming out had been. He’d hoped to meet other queer people, build friendships that start under the lie of heterosexuality, fall in love with a man who would love him for being himself.

Campbell’s bullying had gotten worse that year – everyone’s mistreatment of him had. He ended the year wondering if he’d ever find love. An unathletic, deaf, gay man, trapped in an ocean that he couldn’t seem to escape. He had felt tethered to an anchor, slowly sinking, slowly drowning in his own misery – if coming out was supposed to be freeing, then why did this newfound freedom hurt more than the prison of lying about not being gay? The Guard’s mistreatment got worse, Campbell constantly reminded him that he wasn’t worthy of friends, of love, or of happiness. Sam didn’t want to admit it, but sometimes he worried his brother was right. Loneliness was hard.

And then Grizz happened. Two months into the school year, and Grizz had changed Sam’s world. He was tall, he was kind to a fault, full of love for the world and everyone in it, seemingly dedicated to making Sam smile. Sam thought back to how terrified he had been when he was first paired with the boy – a football player, a member of the Guard, and probably an evil, mean, angry homophobe like the rest of his friends. Oh, how all of that was wrong. Grizz was so much more than anything Sam could have imagined. He though about the first day that Grizz had tutored him – Grizz had stayed there for hours, just sitting with him as he let all of his emotions pour out. He couldn’t help but regret being as open as he’d been, and yet Grizz didn’t seem to care. His last words remained etched into Sam’s mind – “ _Confucius always said that Western Zhou was the Golden Age. Maybe you’ve just gotta wait for your Western Zhou_.”

Grizz had taught him all about the Western Zhou dynasty, and every other dynasty they’d covered in that class, hoping that Sam would catch on to the material. Sam was forever grateful for his patience and kindness – Sam worried Grizz would have been judgmental or rude. He never would have imagined that Grizz would be the thoughtful friend that he’d proved to be. Even though Sam had dropped the class, Grizz still volunteered to be around Sam. He still made an effort to be friends with Sam, to accept Sam, and to uplift Sam. Maybe this will be _The Year of Grizz_. If only Grizz weren’t straight, he lamented.

**

He sat at the table, waiting for Becca to get there. She’d skipped school – when Sam had asked what she was doing, she had said a doctor’s appointment. She told him to meet at the café, and she wouldn’t text him back after that.

He saw her walk up, strutting through the coffee shop like she owned the place. She always walked with purpose. “Hi,” he signed at her.

She nodded, but she didn’t sign anything in response. Sam didn’t want to push – this was her arena. Sam guessed they were going to talk about her pregnancy – that meant it was her body. He knew better than to try and probe. She had control over whatever they talked about – it was her body.

“So,” she started, “I’m sorry for snapping at you yesterday.”

“It’s fine, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s a normal question. I just had had a very rough weekend, and I wasn’t dealing with things very well.”

“I mean, you had enough on your plate.” Sam wasn’t sure if it was okay to make a joke, but that’s who Sam was. “Enough for two, apparently.”

She rolled her eyes, “Not funny.”

“A little funny.”

“Okay, maybe a little.”

“So, is that why you’ve been getting so sick recently?”

“You noticed?”

“Yeah. I told Grizz that you’d been getting sick recently, and he said it could be that you were pregnant. So, like, not a total surprise?”

“You talked to Grizz about it?” The anger was clear on her face.

“No, I told him about you getting sick when you asked me to leave last week,” Sam explained. “Did not discuss the rest of the issue.”

“Can you not mention it to him?”

“For sure.”

“And I’m not telling anyone who the father is. So, don’t ask.”

“Just say it’s me. I’ll help out raising the kiddo as much as I can anyway.”

“Seriously? You don’t have to do that.”

Sam couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “We’re a team. We do this shit together.”

“Total dream team.”

“Speaking of teams, can you please come with to this party thing on Friday? Grizz and Helena invited me and I didn’t know how I was going to celebrate my birthday, and I said yes.”

**

They’d moved from the café to Becca’s house, intent on watching more of that one show they loved. Neither of them could ever remember the name of it, but it made them feel better about their own lives. In some alternate dimension, they could be trapped in an alternate universe. Sam couldn’t help but wonder if, in some weird twist of fate, that alternate version dimension of himself would be able to date Grizz.

Sam realized that he had a big problem. He’d done it – he’d fallen for a straight guy. Not just any straight guy, but the straight guy who wanted to be his friend. The man who’d given up his chosen family to protect Sam from bullies, who’d left his sport to dedicate time to learning Sam’s language, the man who smiled whenever Sam walked in the room because he was genuinely happy his friend was there. Sam couldn’t help but feel attracted to Grizz – everyone in school had wanted a piece of Grizz. Sam had stared from afar, hating himself for being attracted to the jock. It was only after spending time with Grizz that Sam realized he was much more than just a jock – he was a poet, a philosopher, a thinker, and a confidant. And he gave good hugs.

Becca jostled Sam’s shoulder, watching her friend deep in thought. “You good?”

“Yeah, sorry. Zoned out a bit.”

“Let me guess. You were thinking about Grizz.”

“What? How’d you know?”

**

Thursday came, and that meant that it was time for sign language lessons. Sitting across from Grizz, Sam found it hard to concentrate. They were learning do self-introductions, and Grizz was trying his best to make every sign as fluidly as Sam could. He had trouble with finger spelling last week, but he’d gotten a lot better. When he told Sam that he’d spent the time he would have spent at football practice reviewing the letters, Sam was impressed.

“Why are you spending so much time on ASL?”

“Because I want to talk to you in your language. I already told you,” he said, laughing.

“But, like why? I appreciate it, but learning a whole new language for someone is a lot of effort.”

Grizz smiled at Sam, and Sam couldn’t help but feel like there was a big secret that he didn’t know. “I remember watching you in English class. You never had anyone to talk to, because the interpreter would only tell you what the teacher said. It made me worry that you felt alone.”

“Oh…” Sam hadn’t been expecting that. He knew that he’d had classes with Grizz before, but he’d never thought the other boy noticed him. “You should have said hi.”

“I thought about it, actually. But I didn’t want to get too close, because I knew you didn’t have a great relationship with the guys on the football team. I figured you wouldn’t wanna be friends, so I tried to give you space and make sure you didn’t have to deal with me.”

“You clearly did a good job of that,” Sam said, winking.

“Yeah, well. Some things are more important than football. Like, you know, being friends with people I actually want to spend time with.”

“Gareth Visser, are you telling me that these sign language lessons are just an excuse to spend time with me? My teaching capacities are feeling very underappreciated!”

Grizz burst out laughing, and Sam did as well.

“You’re fun to be around. The ASL makes it even more fun. I feel like I’m getting to meet the real you when you sign. Like, without the filter and the translations and everything. It’s nice.”

Sam stared at Grizz, smiling. He couldn’t help but think about how badly he wanted to kiss Grizz, and how amazing it was to have met the man. He had never thought about how English was like a second language – the grammar of ASL, the phrases, everything was different from English. He was as fluent in English as he was in ASL, but that didn’t change the fact that yes, he did have to translate himself. Signing was his language.

“I guess I feel comfortable being myself around you.”

Grizz came over, giving him a massive bear hug. When he let go, he said, “Good. You’re pretty fucking cool.”

Before he knew what was happening, he had pressed his face against Grizz’s. His first kiss. For a second, it felt like heaven – then he realized what he’d done. He pulled away quickly, seeing the look of shock on the other’s face.

“Fuck, I am so sorry Grizz, I didn’t mean for that… It just happened… I’m so sorry Grizz.”

He could feel his face turn red, and he watched Grizz. He could see Grizz trying to find the right thing to say. “I… I t-think I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

And with that, he was gone.

**

Sam sat with Allie and Becca at lunch the next day, unable to do anything but mope.

“For fuck’s sake, Sam. What did you do,” Becca asked.

“I had my first kiss.”

Allie said, “You seem really fucking sad for someone who had their first kiss. What happened?”

“I kissed Grizz. But like… out of the blue. He didn’t want to kiss me. He gave me a hug. And then I kissed him. He got up and left and then didn’t text me or talk to me the rest of the day. And now he probably thinks I’m some creep and hates me.”

“Oh.” With that, Becca fell silent. Sam knew that she wanted to help, but there was nothing to do.

Allie bit her lip, trying to figure out what to say. “You should find him at the party tonight and talk to him.”

“He doesn’t want me there.”

“Did he say that?”

“He didn’t have to.”

“Listen, I’ve known Grizz a long time. Remember? He was Cassandra’s friend. I can’t imagine he’d hate you for that. Explain the situation. He’s a nice guy. He’ll listen.”

Sam knew that she was right – Grizz was a nice guy. In spite of his horrible fuck-up, Grizz wouldn’t hate him. Even if he did, they’d only been friends for a few weeks – he could go back to a life without Grizz, if worse came to worst. Probably.

“Let me text Helena, and if she says we’re still invited, then we go and you can talk to Grizz.”

“What if he doesn’t want to talk, though? Like, what am I supposed to do then?”

“You’ll figure something out. But you can’t keep moping like this.”

A few minutes later, Allie got a text back. “Yep, we’re still invited. She even checked with Grizz.”


	9. 愛是愛

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ended up posting this last night, but I decided to delete it and make a few changes. It's mostly the same, but I think I like this version just a bit better.
> 
> __  
> For those wondering, the Mandarin characters in this chapter are  
> 1) a reference to a song by Jolin Tsai [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7hHofDW2ts] -- Be forewarned, this music video is really sad, but incredibly beautiful  
> 2) Love is love (that's also the title of this chapter)

**Grizz**

He kept replaying the kiss. He could feel Sam’s lips pressed up against his own – he wished he could go back to that moment, kiss back. Instead, he’d gotten up. He’d left his own house, and he’d run into the forest. The minute he realized he’d left Sam in his room, he felt ridiculous. He also worried. He’d driven Sam to his house – what if Sam needed to call Campbell to pick him up? Grizz needed to get back to his house, and he took off for a run. Regardless of what he was feeling, he couldn’t leave Sam to be at the mercy of Campbell. As unsure as he was of his own emotions, he knew that he wouldn’t forgive himself if something happened to Sam.

By the time he got out of the woods behind his house, he saw Becca’s car. Sam looked visibly upset, but he was not getting in Campbell’s car. He wanted to keep running, to shout Sam’s name, to kiss him back. By the time Grizz got to his driveway, Becca had already pulled down the driveway and was driving away. “I wonder if he can see me.”

Grizz walked back into his house, realizing that he’d just shared his first kiss with a guy. He wanted to text everyone and tell them, but, for some reason, he felt that it didn’t fit. This wasn’t some momentous occasion – Sam had thrown himself on Grizz, which was exactly what Grizz had been dreaming of these past few weeks, and he had completely frozen up and not done anything. He’d had a chance, and he blew it.

Fuck.

Grizz didn’t know if he should text Sam or not – on one hand, he wanted to confess everything to Sam and tell him that he was gay, that he didn’t want that kiss to end, that he wanted to spend every minute feeling as good as that kiss had let him feel. On the other hand, Sam probably hated him for running out the way he did. Grizz wasn’t sure he could handle the thought of Sam hating him. They barely knew each other, and yet Grizz had never felt freer than when he had been around Sam. The feeling of flying through the clouds that he’d felt when he came out to Helena, to Allie, and to Luke was just the norm when he was around Sam. He wanted lips against his and he wanted to feel special, he wanted to learn signs for things like “I think I like you” and “kiss me” – things he’d wanted to tell Sam, eventually.

Walking into his house, he had never felt lonelier. Locking the door behind him, he walked into the kitchen, made himself food, and sat down on the sofa. He had homework that he should probably do – readings that he needed to slog through. They could wait – now, he needed something mindless. The last time he’d turned the TV on, Sam had been with him. The night that Sam had slept at his house – two weeks ago. Sam had really wanted him to try this one show – pulling it up, he felt himself engrossed in the drama of it all – being trapped in another dimension.

Grizz couldn’t imagine being trapped with everyone he knew. He was busy being anxious over his feelings for Sam, but to imagine having to handle that while also juggling the fate of humanity… No thanks.

**

Four hours later, Grizz was incredibly angry at the show. They hadn’t picked up on the mystery of the bus driver, but they’d found documents pertaining to the brothers’ family? He wanted to scream at them to think back to the bus ride – how had they all fallen asleep, where the busses had gone, who the other bus drivers were. There were so many questions that weren’t being addressed – they talked about the insanity of this new universe, but Grizz felt like they weren’t asking the right questions. He wanted to text Sam about it, to rant.

Looking at his phone, he saw a text from Becca.

_Becca: Listen I don’t know what the fuck happened tonight but I know Sam is sad, so when I figure out what the fuck you did, I am going to break your fucking arm Grizz Visser_

Grizz thought about it – a broken arm had to feel better than this sense of frustration he felt, the sense of longing he felt for Sam’s lips. He deserved a broken arm and the emotional pain he felt, thinking about it. Sam had looked so scared when he saw Grizz’s reaction – Grizz hated himself for putting that look on Sam’s face. Grizz hated the idea that he’d taken the smile from the boy’s face. That smile lit up a room, and it gave Grizz butterflies.

**

After school the next day, Grizz saw that he had several texts from Allie.

_Allibert: Sam kissed you?_

_Allibert: How do you feel???_

_Allibert: He’s freaking out I can only imagine how you are_

_Grizli: Yeah. He talked about that with you all?_

_Allibert: He think he forced himself on you and that you hate him_

_Grizli: what omg I very much do not hate him_

_Grizli: I was worried he hated me_

_Grizli: and like forced isn’t the right word. Bit pushy maybe, but I 100% would have wanted that kiss to last longer I was just too shocked and busy pretending I don’t think he’s cute_

_Allibert: Does he know you’re gay?_

_Grizli: nope_

_Grizli: At this point I don’t even know how to tell him_

_Grizli: I want to, though_

_Allibert: Why don’t you talk to him at the party tonight?_

_Allibert: Also can we get coffee this weekend? I need to talk to someone_

_Grizli: How about now then. We can talk and go to the party together_

_Allibert: thanks._

_Allibert: meet at your car?_

_Grizli: Sure._

**

Sitting in the car, Grizz was able to temporarily forget about his own problems – Allie was dealing with something, and he didn’t want her to have to deal with it alone. “So, what’s up, kiddo?”

Grizz had always called her kiddo. She’d been around whenever he spent time with Cassandra, and he’d always been a good friend to her. When she needed a good cry, or she needed to scream, or she didn’t know what she felt but needed desperately to feel it, she came to Grizz – he was the perfect older brother she’d never had.

“It’s been so hard being back at school after Cass’s death. Like, she was supposed to be in charge of the prom committee, and she was supposed to be in charge of student council, and she was supposed to do all of these things that were big, and important, and amazing. Just like she was. She could do it all and still have time to do her makeup every morning, you know? I can barely get to school, and she ran the fucking place. It’s just so fucking unfair,” she said. After a long pause, she added, “It should have fucking been me.”

Grizz pulled over to the side of the road – this was not the conversation for a café. He reached over, silently wrapping his arms around her. For the first time since Cassandra’s death, she cried. She sobbed into his arms, unable to stop. Twenty minutes later, Grizz heard her sobs subside, and Grizz let go.

“You can’t think like that, Allie. It shouldn’t have been you, and it shouldn’t have been her, and it shouldn’t have fucking happened in the first place. You can’t compare yourself to her, because you are just as powerful, and strong, and talented as she was, but that doesn’t mean you have to compete with her. Saying that you can barely get to school, and she was in charge of everything? It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to her. You can be just as amazing as she was, without having to make it a comparison. You are just as amazing as she was. She told me all the time how much she loved you, and how proud she was of you, and how, even when things got hard, you stayed, and you fought like the badass you are. You are strong, and you are resilient, and don’t you fucking dare try and pretend it should have been you. It shouldn’t have fucking happened in the first place. In _Walden_ , this book we were reading in class, it talks about life and death. ‘I went into the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.’ Allie Pressman, you are going to go live deliberately and for yourself, because that’s the best way to honour Cass. Live the life that you want, and follow the dreams you have, because she would have wanted you to live your life on your own terms. Don’t live for her, or for anyone else. Live for yourself,” he said. “Do you understand?”

He saw her nod, ever so slightly, tears still pouring down her face. He could feel the hot tears against his own face. He decided that it would be better to give her a space to clean up – coffee could wait until she’d gotten the chance to wipe the mascara running down her cheeks off.

By the time they were back to Grizz’s driveway, Allie had stopped crying. They both got out of the car, and Grizz led her inside. He hadn’t thought about the fact that she’d never seen his house. It was a shock.

“Grizz, why does your house look like no one lives here?”

He gave her a sad smile. “Well, I live here. So, it’s not no one.”

“But what about your family?”

He didn’t know how to answer that. He’d lied to himself for so long, telling him that they still loved him, they just weren’t there. He wasn’t sure he was ready to keep lying to himself. “I was basically abandoned when I was fourteen. It’s just me here. Come on, the bathroom is this way.”

“They abandoned you? What do you mean?”

“I think the last time I saw my mom was two years ago, drunk on her way to the airport. Six since I saw my dad. They left the house behind – with me in it. I’ve never said that out loud – that I was abandoned. But that’s the truth. I tried to hide it, but Cassandra knew. Sam knows, we study here sometimes. Helena knows, and Luke knows. And now, you know.”

Allie couldn’t ignore the sadness in his voice when he said it – a different sadness than the pain of losing Cassandra. It was the sound of a child who’d woken up to the nightmare that was reality, and yet had continued to believe in dreams until it stopped being possible – just a bit of pain, a bit of fear, some anger, but it was mostly a heartbreaking resignation. “I had no idea, I’m so sorry Grizz…”

“Don’t be. We all have our own demons to deal with, kiddo. Come on, let’s go get cleaned up. We’ve got a party to get ready for” he said, winking.

Today had been a day of dressing wounds, beginning the healing process.

**

“Do you want to talk about Sam kissing you?”

“Kind of. At the same time, I’m so conflicted about it, that I don’t really know what there is to say.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, it felt better than I could have ever imagined. I’d always wondered what it would be like to kiss another guy – if I’d feel fireworks, or like I was flying, or like nothing in the world mattered.”

Allie asked, “Did it feel like that?”

“It did. For a second. For a really, really beautiful second. Then, he pulled away and I panicked. I ran outside, into the forest, leaving him here, in my room. I got scared though, that Sam would have to ask Campbell for a ride home, so I ran back, trying to get to him. Pretend I wasn’t freaking out, make sure he got home safe. Becca was already there though.”

“Too late?”

“Too late. And I wanted to text him, after he left, and tell him everything, but I figured he hated me for just running after he kissed me.”

“He was worried you ran because you hated him”

“Never.”

“You really like him, don’t you?”

“I don’t know what it is. I sort of feel like I’m 12 years old again, starting over. Like, I should send a girl with a note that says, ‘Dear Sam, do you like Grizz? Yes or no?’ and just see what happens.”

“Based on that kiss, I think it’s probably yes.”

“I mean, I don’t know anymore.”

“You said send a girl with a note… I may not have a pen and paper, but I do have a phone, and I’m a girl. I can ask, if you want.”

**

**Sam**

_Al: Dear Sam, do you like Grizz, Yes or No?_

_Al: Like, do you still like Grizz? Yes or No?_

What the fuck, Sam thought to himself. What was she doing?

_Sam: Yes. Of course. He just hates me and thinks I’m gross and awful and doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Of course, I still like him._

_Al: I need you to promise me that you’ll talk to him_

_Al: There’s no way he thinks you’re gross or awful or anything bad_

_Al: Promise me, okay?_

_Sam: Fine, I promise._

**

Standing outside of the party, Sam had no clue what to expect. Becca stood by his side, equally unsure. She rang the doorbell to Helena’s house, and they were quickly greeted by an older woman waving them in. After stepping inside, the lady pointed to their feet – Sam thought he saw her say shoes. Taking them off at the door, he looked around. There were beautiful lanterns hung everywhere, and there were little children running around. Getting into the dining room, he saw Grizz and Helena talking with Allie – Allie had worn a nice dress, and Helena looked stunning. She was wearing a qipao, and she’d put her hair up. Luke stood next to her, looking simultaneously comfortable but also a but uneasy. That was pretty common for him.

Helena saw them first, and she waved them over. Sam didn’t know how to act – Grizz was so close, and he was still being friendly. He wasn’t staring, and he didn’t look mad. “I’m glad you made it,” he said and signed. Sam hadn’t taught him those signs yet – had he been practicing extra?

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

Becca turned to Helena, and she asked, “So what exactly are we celebrating?”

“So, way back when, it used to be a celebration to thank Chang’e, who was the spirit of the moon. There are a couple different myths, but basically, historically, it was in honour of her. Nowadays, we get together and celebrate the harvest moon. It’s like a big Thanksgiving, only earlier in the year. Because many of the people here have family in China or Taiwan that they can’t get back to, we all get together and act as each other’s family, enjoy these really delicious things called moon cakes – they’re on the table back there – and play together. Sometimes the kids make lanterns.”

“Can we go make lanterns?”

“First, you need to try some of the moon cakes, then sure.”

The six of them migrated over to the food table, where Grizz and Helena both picked out red bean moon cakes. Luke opted for a lotus seed, and Allie picked the matcha. Sam grabbed one that looked like it had ice cream in it, and Becca picked one with a purple filling. Grizz had spelt it as _y-u-t-o-u_ , and then said it was taro.

They continued through the house, slowly making their way to where a group of kids were playing with lanterns. Grizz said something in Chinese – Sam didn’t catch it. The children all made room for the bigger kids. Looking over, Helena had written something in Chinese on her lantern. Her penmanship was beautiful, but Sam couldn’t tell what the shapes were, exactly. Grizz had also written something. Sam could make it out much more clearly.

不一樣又怎樣

愛是愛

He couldn’t help but wonder what it meant, but his thoughts were interrupted when Helena stood up. She shouted something to everyone else, and soon everyone had crowded around Sam. Grizz tapped him on the shoulder, saying that he would translate.

Helena started talking, but Sam kept his eyes focused on Grizz. “Everyone, today isn’t just the Mid-Autumn festival! It is also our friend’s birthday. This afternoon, we taught you all how to do a dance – would you all please join us in dancing to wish him a happy birthday?”

Before he knew it, the entire room started signing the happy birthday song. The look of elation on everyone’s face, staring at Sam – he couldn’t help but feel awe. They danced along with the song, and the happiness in the room was tangible. He didn’t know most of the people in the room, but that didn’t matter. He had come to celebrate the festival, and yet he was still being lifted up. As the people around him dispersed, he realized he had tears in his eyes.

“That was amazing, thank you all so much.”

“Thank Grizz, it was his idea,” Helena said.

Grizz didn’t say anything, but he smiled at Sam. Sam couldn’t help but feel confusion – the man who’d ran from his own house the day before had gone out of his way to make sure that Sam got recognition for his birthday. He didn’t know how to feel.

**

They all stayed for a few more hours, talking and relaxing. After the sun had set, they moved the party outside. The air was crisp and cool, and the moon shone overhead. It was calm, and, for a few hours, Sam was able to forget that he’d almost ruined everything.

At the end of the night, Sam told Becca to leave without him. He didn’t know how long Grizz was planning to stay, but he needed to talk to him. He’d promised Allie, after all. Grizz walked out of Helena’s front door, and he saw Sam sitting on the roof of his car.

“Hey Grizz.”

“Hey Sam. I thought you went home with Becca?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“Do you need a ride home?”

Fuck – Sam hadn’t thought about that. There was no one to let him in at home. His parents had gone to a nearby town, because Campbell had a court date. He always seemed to have a court date. “Um…”

“Everything okay?”

“I can’t get into my house. I just realized.”

“Do you want to spend the night at my place?”

“That would be nice. Thank you.”

“Hop in.”

Sam got in the passenger side of Grizz’s car. “Thank you again.”

“No worries.”

They rode in silence – Sam couldn’t see Grizz’s lips in the dark, and he needed to know exactly what Grizz was saying. He couldn’t explain it, but it was important that this conversation go well. When they finally pulled up into Grizz’s driveway and got out, Sam was an anxious mess. A little over twenty-four hours ago, Becca had picked him up from here, hurt and confused and terrified that he’d scared Grizz away. His family had to spend his birthday dealing with his brother’s mess, Grizz had gotten an entire room full of people to sign happy birthday to him, and he was about to stay in Grizz’s house again.

Once they got into the living room and the lights were on, Sam started. “Listen, Grizz, I’m so sorry for yesterday. I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you, and I feel awful and disgusting for having done it and I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do, or whatever, just let me know.”

Grizz stared at the other boy for a moment, studying him. Sam wanted to know what Grizz was thinking – if only he could read minds. Grizz met his gaze and smiled. That smile melted Sam’s insides. “Sam, can you teach me one more phrase in sign language?”

He worried that Grizz was going to ask him how to say _fuck off_ , or some insult, or something else that would make Sam hate himself even more. He knew Grizz would never be capable of being so casually cruel, but he wasn’t in the space to think logically. He had fucked up, and yet Grizz just stood there – Grizz had gotten everyone to wish him a happy birthday, and he was driving him home, and Sam had experienced too many emotions in the past 24 hours to be able to think straight.

“Yeah.”

“How do you say ‘kiss me’?”


	10. "You're staring." - Sam

_They rode in silence – Sam couldn’t see Grizz’s lips in the dark, and he needed to know exactly what Grizz was saying. He couldn’t explain it, but it was important that this conversation go well. When they finally pulled up into Grizz’s driveway and got out, Sam was an anxious mess. A little over twenty-four hours ago, Becca had picked him up from here, hurt and confused and terrified that he’d scared Grizz away. His family had to spend his birthday dealing with his brother’s mess, Grizz had gotten an entire room full of people to sign happy birthday to him, and he was about to stay in Grizz’s house again._

_Once they got into the living room and the lights were on, Sam started. “Listen, Grizz, I’m so sorry for yesterday. I shouldn’t have tried to kiss you, and I feel awful and disgusting for having done it and I’m so sorry. If there’s anything I can do, or whatever, just let me know.”_

_Grizz stared at the other boy for a moment, studying him. Sam wanted to know what Grizz was thinking – if only he could read minds. Grizz met his gaze and smiled. That smile melted Sam’s insides. “Sam, can you teach me one more phrase in sign language?”_

_He worried that Grizz was going to ask him how to say fuck off, or some insult, or something else that would make Sam hate himself even more. He knew Grizz would never be capable of being so casually cruel, but he wasn’t in the space to think logically. He had fucked up, and yet Grizz just stood there – Grizz had gotten everyone to wish him a happy birthday, and he was driving him home, and Sam had experienced too many emotions in the past 24 hours to be able to think straight._

_“Yeah.”_

_“How do you say ‘kiss me’?”_

Sam woke up from his dream as the sunlight hit his face, realizing that Grizz hadn’t actually asked him to for another kiss. He’d fallen asleep during the car ride – it seemed like Grizz had carried him inside, tucked him into bed, and, judging by the glass of water next to the bed, had made sure he wouldn’t need anything during the night. That asshole – so kind, even when Sam didn’t feel like he deserved it.

The bed was comfortable – he couldn’t help but wonder whose bed it had been. Was he sleeping in the same bed that one of Grizz’s step-siblings had used? Was this where Clark or Jason used to sleep, if they ever came over?

His guilt doubled at the thought of the remaining Guard members. Grizz had left them, leaving him with even less family than before. Sam had gone and ruined their friendship, and Grizz was down yet another person. If only he could stop fucking things up. He didn’t want to get up and face reality yet, but he couldn’t pretend that everything was fine for much longer. Not when everything was so ridiculously not okay.

Grizz had laid a toothbrush and toothpaste out for him – he wanted to joke that things were getting serious between the two of them if he had a toothbrush at Grizz’s. As he brushed his teeth, he knew that it was too early for a joke like that. Things were serious – seriously fucked up, because of how he’d acted just two nights before. Now was not the time to be cracking jokes. He was busy cracking under the pressure of having to see Grizz and face his mistakes.

Coming downstairs, wearing yet another one of Grizz’s hoodies, Sam saw Grizz making eggs. He was shirtless, and Sam couldn’t help but appreciate what he saw.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Grizz signed. He had a bit of trouble spelling out ‘sleepyhead’ but got there, eventually.

Sam couldn’t help but feel bad when Grizz signed to him. Sam had thrown himself on Grizz, yet the other boy still took the time to talk to him in his language. The casualness of Grizz’s care was unnerving – Sam wanted this to be a spoken conversation, even if it was less easy for him. He wanted this to take place in Grizz’s language, on Grizz’s home turf.

“Thanks. Hey Grizz, I just wanted to say thank you. I feel like a total dick, and you’ve just been so nice.”

“It’s no problem,” said Grizz. “What do you mean you feel like a dick?”

“I mean, I basically threw myself on you, and you’re making me eggs and getting people to tell me happy birthday. Like, I was a total creep, and you’re still being so nice. I’m really sorry for just kissing you, by the way. I totally get if you’re mad.”

Grizz’s eyebrows scrunched together, and Sam didn’t know what to do. He wanted to hear Grizz say it was okay, and that he wasn’t mad – but on the other hand, he almost wanted Grizz to tell him to fuck off, that he hated Sam now. It wasn’t like Sam didn’t already hate himself for the mistake.

“I’m not mad.”

“You’re not?”

“I mean, I expected our first kiss to be under different circumstances,” Grizz said, giving Sam a wink. “But no, I’m not mad.”

Testing the waters, Sam joked, “Our first kiss? Are you telling me you were expecting more of them?”

He watched as a smile broke out on Grizz’s face – his nose crinkled, and he looked happy. “You’d have to ask me out to dinner if you want more of that, Eliot.”

**

They sat on the floor of Grizz’s living room, watching TV and doing college apps. The application process was full of boring, simple questions that were as tedious as they were many. “What do you want to study,” Sam asked.

“I’m thinking of doing history or politics. Endgame is probably law, but it could be journalism or hermit in the forest, too.”

“You’re too social for a hermit.”

“Fine, criticise my life goals, why don’t you,” Grizz said, laughing. “What’re you thinking about studying?”

“I’d say education, but I don’t want to live off ramen… Probably history or international relations, or maybe politics.”

“Copycat.”

“I could just go learn how to be a stripper, but there’s no way I’d make any money.”

“What makes you say that?”

“We didn’t all take tap dance class as a kid,” Sam said.

“Yes, because tap dance taught me how to do this,” Grizz said, standing up and shaking his shoulders. Sam watched in disbelief as Grizz got up, and, as if dancing to a beat, began taking his shirt off. Those abs, Sam thought. By the time Grizz had finished his dance, he was standing in nothing but his underwear and his socks. Sam’s face was as red as his hair. Grizz smiled at Sam, laughing at how embarrassed he looked. “You liked that!”

“Grizz Visser, you are the only guy I’ve met in this school who’s fully cool with having a gay friend. A gay friend who tried to kiss you. A gay friend who you just stripped for. What are you? Like, seriously, there is no way you’re real.”

In his defence, Grizz did look a bit too perfect, standing in his dark green underwear, to look real. He was modelling that underwear far too well. He shook his ass a bit, and then he sat down. “You’re staring.”

“You’re naked.”

“Naked would be without underwear. Almost naked.”

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” he said with a wink.

Sam couldn’t believe this was happening. Becca definitely would not believe it – Grizz had stripped for Sam, as if it was nothing? This had to be some fever dream. Was he still asleep?

“You’re staring,” Grizz said, laughing.

“You say that like you wouldn’t be.”

“If you were sitting here in your underwear? I’d not stare at all, I’d act completely normally.”

“You can’t tell me that you wouldn’t be staring if someone you liked was sitting in your underwear.” Shit, thought Sam. That was admitting far too much. Fuck.

“You have that look of horror that someone gets when they realise they said too much,” Grizz said. “Sam, you tried to kiss me two days ago. I already guessed you liked me. Don’t worry."

They both paused, but the silence wasn't uncomfortable. "You know what," said Grizz. "Maybe I should study agriculture, or library sciences. If you have a library and a garden, then you have everything you need. Cicero said that, I think."

"Do you? Have everything you need, I mean?" Sam asked. "Do you agree?"

"Almost."

**

Sam spent the entire afternoon with Grizz, relaxing and pretending to get work done. After about two hours, Grizz had finally put his clothes back on, much to Sam’s disdain. Grizz had gone ahead and ordered take-out food, and Sam was very hungry. They’d accidentally laughed their way through lunch. Sam thought back to the chaos that ran through his brain that morning, realizing that he was ridiculous for even beginning to think Grizz would have been mad. Instead of getting mad at Sam, he got naked for him.

“Hey Grizz, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“So, like, how long have you lived alone here? And did the Guard spend a lot of time here?”

“That’s two questions,” he said with a cheeky smile.

“Still.”

“So, I’ve lived here on my own for longer than I probably want to acknowledge. Even when my mom would come back, she was never actually here. I used to say four years, but it’s probably been closer to six. Maybe seven.”

“Shit, really?”

“Yeah. And then about the Guard, no. Luke, you, Helena, Allie, and Cassandra are the only ones who even know it’s like this.”

“Really?”

“Yep. It was really embarrassing for a long time, because no one wants to admit their family didn’t love them enough to bring them with when they moved, you know?”

“I’m sure they love you!”

“No, they don’t. I was the accident that kept my parents together for ten years. But it’s okay. I love myself enough to get over the fact that they don’t. Besides, I’ve got a not-so-secret admirer, so I know someone else likes me enough to keep me around,” he said, giving Sam a nudge.

“I’m still amazed that you’re so okay with that.”

“What? Knowing you like me?”

“Yeah. I have only heard horror stories of straight guys being awful to the gay guys that fall in love with them,” Sam said.

“Is that you trying to tell me you’re in love with me, Eliot?”

“I’ve only known you like… three weeks. Don’t get your hopes up,” he said, nudging Grizz back. “But seriously, I’ve never heard of it ending well.”

“I mean, who says I’m straight,” Grizz said with a grin.

Sam couldn’t help but shoot him a quizzical look. “I mean, the girls you’ve slept with would probably say you’re not gay. That one girl, Carla, for example.”

“Carla?”

“Yeah, you dated her for like two years.”

“Sam, we talked for two weeks in Junior year. She and I definitely did not go there.”

“What?”

“I’ve had sex with exactly three women. None of them at our school. Two I met at a camp where I was a counselor, and then one was at a college visit.”

There had definitely been rumours about Grizz’s sex life dating back to freshman year. “So the rumours…”

“All wrong. Besides, you keep saying the straight jocks and the gay guys. Who says I’m straight,” he said, winking.

“What?!”

“I was going to tell you last night, but you were fast asleep. I’ve started to come out to people. I’m gay. I was going to come out in college, but you know…”

“Wait, so you’re like gay gay?”

“Um, I don’t really know how to answer that question. Yeah, I guess I’m pretty much gay.”

Sam sat there, chopsticks in hand, noodles mid-air, mouth open. Grizz continued, “When I said I wasn’t expecting our first kiss to happen that way, I wasn’t saying I hadn’t been hoping I’d get a first kiss with you, you know.”

“Um…”

“But I wasn’t joking – if you want a second, you still better buy me dinner.”

“So, how much do I venmo you for this then,” Sam said. They two boys both laughed, and Sam realized that, maybe, the Year of Grizz would end on a high note after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter felt like a roller coaster, because going Sam and Grizz's second kiss being a dream to Grizz coming out to Sam (very different from the show, I know) was a wild ride. They still haven't had their second kiss yet, and there's probably going to be some drama coming up ahead - actually, it's me, so there's definitely going to be drama. In between the crazy moments though, I think going back to the fun, fluffy stuff is nice too. :)


	11. No thinking needed there - Sam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to musictomydamaged ears, because they said they couldn't wait for an update RIGHT as I finished this chapter. 
> 
> Enjoy :)
> 
> Also -- HEADS UP: Sam's like kinda dealing with some mental health issues. The closet can really mess with you.

_Grizz was standing with his back to Sam, dancing with some girl he barely recognised. Carla, her name was. She was in his biology class._

_Grizz had been dancing with her all night, at the Autumn dance. He had been surrounded by Jason, Luke, and Clark – they were all standing there, dancing with their dates, a bit too close for comfort but a bit too far for anything awkward. They would probably spend the night being far closer than they were being at this dance – less fabric in the way, Sam thought._

_Watching Grizz dance was especially painful, though. He looked at Grizz the way children looked at deserts in the bakery window, thinking about how delicious they were. He was hopeless, and he was potentially in love. Two weeks before, he’d watched as Grizz had chastised the group for being mean to a freshman. A few days later, he watched as Grizz sat with some of the squirrels outside of their school during lunch, seemingly in perfect harmony with the world around him. The next day, Grizz had scored some win at the football game – Sam had gone, but he didn’t know what had been going on. Grizz did something, though, and everyone cheered, and the game was over. And now, Grizz was dancing with a girl._

_Sam watched, in horror, as Grizz leaned down, giving her a small kiss. It was chaste, and it was simple, but it was a horrible reminder that boys like Grizz did not like boys like Sam. They liked pretty girls, like Carla, and they didn’t know boys like Sam existed. And it made Sam feel lonelier than ever, as he stood there, dancing on his own._

_Suddenly, he was in Grizz’s room again. He sat on the bed, watching as Grizz leave his own house. Sam had driven the boy from his own room, he’d been so awful. The guilt was all-consuming, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He’d had something great – a friend, who was a guy, and who didn’t care that Sam liked guys. Sam had never had that before. He felt himself start crying, hating himself more now than he’d ever hated himself, back when he was in the closet. Being gay, there was nothing he could do for that. This, though – this was entirely his own doing._

_Becca came and got him – he didn’t remember texting her, and he didn’t know how she got into Grizz’s house, or if he walked out to her. He was grateful she responded so quickly. In her car, he saw Grizz in the rear-view mirror. He had run back towards his house, probably to ask Sam to leave. Probably to tell Sam that he was worthless, and that he was awful, and that he never wanted to see Sam again. He couldn’t belive he’d gone and kissed Grizz, who had done nothing but be nice and friendly and supportive, because, even though Grizz was perfect for him, he was straight. Sam had crossed a line, trying to kiss someone who could never love him back, just like Sam felt he could never properly love himself. Fuck. Fuck. Absolutely, completely, horribly fuck._

**

Sam woke up, gasping for air. He was in Grizz’s house – back in the room that Grizz had let him use. Grizz was standing over him, a look of concern on his face. A light was on. Had Sam broken in, only to fall asleep in Grizz’s spare room? Why was he here? Wait. No, he knew the answer to that. Grizz had invited him to spend the night, again. After Grizz had come out. After Grizz had told Sam that, maybe – just maybe, Grizz had feelings for Sam. After they’d kissed, for a second time. And a third time, and possibly a tenth time. Grizz had said he wanted to practice.

“You were screaming in your sleep,” Grizz said, sitting down next to Sam. Grizz had come to check on him. “Everything okay?”

Sam didn’t need to be able to hear to understand the concern in Grizz’s voice. “Sorry, did I wake you up? What time is it,” Sam asked, looking at the clock. Fuck, it was 3:10. It was dark out. Shit.

“Don’t be sorry.”

“Still, I woke you up.”

“Is everything okay?”

Sam wanted to tell Grizz about his dreams, about how horrible it had been to watch Grizz kiss that girl, about how horrible it had been to kiss Grizz, before he knew he was allowed to. But it was early, and Grizz was worried – Sam didn’t want Grizz to lose sleep over him. “It’s fine, you can go back to bed.”

“Bullshit,” Grizz said, not willing to pretend that things were okay. “I’m staying here until you tell me what’s wrong, because there is very clearly something wrong.”

“Don’t get mad?”

“Why would I get mad? Of course, I’m not going to get mad.”

“Promise?” Sam hated how small his voice felt – he wished he could hear it, but he probably would’ve hated how pitiful it sounded.

“Promise.”

“I was having nightmares. About you, at the dance, junior year. I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t stop replaying you kissing Carla. And then, back here, when I kissed you, and you ran, and I had never felt worse in my life. I felt like I’d ruined one of the best things I’d ever experienced, and I’d worried I’d made you feel bad, or, like, that you’d hate me. It probably sounds so stupid, but it felt so awful. I felt so lonely, and I felt evil, and I was worried I’d hurt you somehow.”

Grizz sat there, listening to Sam talk. After a long pause, he wiped tears away from Sam’s face. His touch was gentle, and it was full of compassion. “Samuel Eliot, every single kiss that I’ve ever had, not that there have been many, but still. Every single one of those was just practice. For this,” he said, pressing his warm lips against Sam’s. “And it’s not stupid. I don’t want you ever to think that your emotions are stupid, because they matter. Everyone talks to us as if we’re just stupid teenagers, but that doesn’t make our emotions any less valid, okay? Now, you get back to bed. I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “And sometimes, you have to ruin the friendship. How else are you going to find something way, way better,” he said, waiting for the other boy to follow his lips before giving Sam another kiss.

**

The next morning, Sam came downstairs to eggs, waffles, and pancakes. The spread looked heavenly, but it also looked like it had taken a long time to prepare. “Morning,” he signed.

“Good morning,” Grizz signed back.

“I can’t believe it’s Sunday. Campbell and my parents should get back tonight,” he said. “Also, this is a lot of food.”

“Couldn’t really sleep, figured I’d make a bigger breakfast.”

“Sorry about that,” Sam said. He hated the idea of Grizz losing sleep over him.

“No need to apologize.”

“Still.”

“Nope. No need to feel bad. You’re going to eat up, and you’re going to not feel bad, and it’s going to be a fantastic morning.”

Sam smiled. This was nice – Grizz making breakfast, making him smile, letting him feel good. His pocked vibrated, and he realized he hadn’t checked it all of yesterday.

_Becca: Sam do you want to get coffee_

_Becca: SAM_

_Becca: SAM DID GRIZZ KILL YOU LAST NIGHT_

_Becca: I WILL KILL THAT MAN_

_Becca: I can’t remember his address or find the text where you sent it_

_Becca: Fucking hell I will kill him Monday_

_Becca: This time I’ll actually kill him. Revenge kill and everything. Poison won’t be bloody._

_Becca: It has been 15 hours I am going to assume you are dead_

_Becca: You better not be fucking dead you asshole_

_Becca: You are not allowed to die unless I kill you_

_Becca: SAM WHERE ARE YOU IT IS SUNDAY AND YOU ARE NOT ANSWERING DID GRIZZ ACTUALLY KILL YOU WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU_

_Sam: Relax I didn’t die_

_Sam: Didn’t check my phone yesterday_

The response was immediate.

_Becca: You always have your phone on you_

_Becca: Who are you and what have you done with my Sam_

_Becca: Whatever, coffee at the café by the library in an hour? I want explanations_

_Sam: Fine, see you then_

He showed Grizz the texts, and they both laughed. “So, what exactly do you plan on telling her?”

The question wasn’t accusatory. It was curious – and, to be honest, Sam was curious for the answer as well. “I’m not really sure. I don’t really know how much of this,” he said, pointing at breakfast, “I should share.”

“You could always tell her you were kidnapped by pancakes.”

“It was the blueberries, they were vicious,” Sam said, watching as Grizz burst out laughing.

“Beware those strawberries, I think they were plotting to keep you here an extra day.”

“See, if it were the bananas trying to keep me here, I would be more than happy to stay,” Sam said, winking.

Grizz feigned shock, but he couldn’t keep back his giggles. Soon, both of them were hugging their sides from laughter. It was beautiful, Sam thought.

“I mean, I don’t really know what I’m going to tell her. I don’t know, what do you think I should tell her?”

“Well, I guess you should tell her the truth? I’m still getting used to the concept of coming out,” Grizz said. “This makes it a bit easier, but I’m not sure how ready I am for everyone to know, you know?”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“It’s like with the not-having-real-parents thing. I think I’m comfortable with it, but I don’t know if I want everyone knowing. At the same time, I don’t want to live my life with a bunch of secrets.”

“I can understand that.”

“You know what? It takes two to tango. You’re just as part of this as I am, at this point. Tell Becca whatever you want her to know. I know she’s your best friend, you shouldn’t have to keep it from her. But if you’re going to call me your boyfriend, I may need some warning. I was planning on writing some really angsty dairies pining after my first boyfriend, and I am going to need to write, like, really fast if that’s where this is at right now,” he said, smiling. “Plus, we haven’t had a proper date yet, and if we’re going to go the lovey-dovey boyfriends route, then I want a fancy, candlelit dinner and a movie.”

“So… can I say we’re not dating yet, but, like, it’s going to happen?”

“Only if you promise me it will.”

**

Staring out at Sam from over her chai latte, Becca asked, “Where the fuck have you been all weekend?”

“Sorry, spent all weekend with Grizz.”

“With Grizz? For fuck’s sake, what is going on with you two. One minute, he hates you, the next minute, he gets a party full of drunk people to sign happy birthday and then you spend the weekend with him.”

“Well, Campbell had a court date. So Grizz let me spend the night at his place. He gave me a lift, and then I fell asleep in the car, and then I had eggs with him the next morning.”

“Did his parents not ask why he was dragging a body through the house?”

Sam didn’t know how to answer that question. He had gotten used to the idea that Grizz’s parents were never around, but he couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t found it shocking, at first. He knew that everyone else would, too, if they ever found out. He was already unsure if he wanted to tell Becca that he’d kissed Grizz again – telling her about his fucked-up family life was two levels past that. “They were out of town, or something.”

“Okay. So, he made you eggs. That doesn’t explain where you were yesterday afternoon.”

“We worked on college apps, and just sort of hung out all day. It was really nice.”

“So, you two are over the fact that you kissed him? Like, he’s not mad about that?”

“We talked a bit about it, but he didn’t seem to mind. I think he liked the kiss, if I’m being honest.”

“What?”

“In fact, I’m almost certain he liked the kiss. Pretty sure he wanted me to kiss him again, actually,” Sam said, realizing how much he could play with this information.

“So, you’re saying that he wanted you to throw yourself on him again?”

“On him, maybe not. I think he would have preferred me under him,” Sam said with a wink.

“Wait… WHAT?”

“I think Grizz is gay. Actually, I know he is. No thinking needed there.”

“What? Does he know you’re telling me this? What happened last night? You fucking asshole, tell me!!”

The game was over. “Grizz is gay. He came out to me last night, and we kissed. A few times. Like, a lot of times. I spent the night there again – he let me sleep in his guest room all weekend. And yes, he knows I’m telling you. We talked about it over breakfast. He’s a really good cook. He said he didn’t mind if I told you, but that he would appreciate if you didn’t go broadcasting the news or anything.”

Becca sat there, processing what all of this information meant. “Wait, so are you two, like, dating now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At some point, I think I'll go back to focusing on Grizz's perspective, or maybe switching between the boys again, but I really like the story from Sam's perspective here.


	12. "BECCA!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone! Sorry for the hiatus - I had a bit of writer's block, and then while on lunch at work one day, I realized exactly how I wanted to finish this story! I wrote up the outlines... and then forgot them at work for like three days in a row. I'm in the process of finishing up this story, and I updated the total number of chapters to reflect that. 
> 
> Anyway, I wanted to give everyone a brief warning - this chapter does have a small blurb from Campbell, and we all know Campbell is very obviously not very fond of Sam. That means that some of the language can be a bit harsh, and I wanted to give everyone a heads up about that!!

**Grizz**

Grizz did not entirely know how to feel. He and Sam had been dating for about three weeks now, but they hadn’t been very public with their relationship. Luke and Helena knew, obviously, as did Becca – however, the boys weren’t ready to spend time in the world as a couple just yet. Grizz treasured every minute with Sam, and he didn’t want to have to share his time. Eventually, maybe – but for now, the moments with Sam were theirs, and theirs alone. Sam agreed, for the most part.

Sam had been very insistent on having Becca be the first friend they spent time with as a couple. Grizz was more than happy to oblige – anything to make Sam smile was worth it, Grizz found. That smile was addicting.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“Yeah, Sam,” he signed. Sitting in the booth at the coffee shop, it wasn’t like he could back out now. Becca was going to be there any minute. “How do you feel?”

“I’m excited. I think. A bit nervous, but mostly excited,” Sam signed and spoke. He was still talking a lot, for Grizz – as much as his boyfriend wanted to be fluent in ASL overnight, and in spite of the amount of time Grizz spent studying, Grizz was still nowhere near as fluent as Becca. He certainly wasn’t close to where Sam was. He couldn’t help but feel frustrated – he wanted to save Sam from any hardship, and that included the trouble of having to read his lips.

“Hey boys!”

Becca had arrived. Grizz couldn’t help but notice the slight baby bump – he hadn’t talked about it with Sam, but he had heard rumors that she was pregnant. He made sure to shut them all down. Although it wasn’t public knowledge he was dating Sam, it was very obvious that they were friends now. When he said Becca wasn’t pregnant, people believed him. He spent most of his time with Sam, he would know that.

“Hi Becca,” they both said, Sam signing along. Grizz had asked his boyfriend to make sure that it was okay if this would be done mostly speaking, just in case. He loved calling Sam his boyfriend – the thought of saying it out loud, to someone other than Sam, made his stomach flip. The good kind of flip, though.

“Did you order anything yet?”

“Not yet.”

The small talk continued for a few minutes, no one particularly sure what to talk about. It took the arrival of two plates of cheesy fries for Becca to finally say something. “So, Sam, wanna introduce me to your friend?”

“You already know who I am,” Grizz said, confusion in his voice.

“Shut up, you,” said Becca, focusing on Sam. It took Grizz a few seconds to realize what this was – it was the chance to introduce Grizz as his boyfriend. He felt his pulse quicken. He so desperately wanted to hear Sam call him his boyfriend, more than he’d realized. It was so ridiculously important to him, in that moment.

“Well, Becca,” Sam started. “This is Grizz Visser. He’s my boyfriend.”

Grizz let out a sigh he didn’t know he’d been holding in.

“Boyfriends, huh?”

“Yeah,” they said in unison. Becca couldn’t help but smile at that.

“I was wondering how long it would take for this to happen.”

She’d been wrong by about two months. Sam and Grizz had become _official_ about two weeks after the second kiss. In total, it was about five weeks. It was almost November, now. She didn’t think Sam would be willing to address his very obvious infatuation with Grizz that quickly, though. Sam didn’t really move quickly.

“You two look happy.”

Sam nodded. Grizz smiled – the truth was, he was happy. He was sad that it wasn’t common knowledge he was dating Sam, but he loved every minute of being with Sam.

“So how disgustingly cute are you two?”

“Well, Grizz sends me good morning texts and buys me dinner sometimes.”

“Good morning texts? What is this, some movie?”

“Hey, I like them!”

“I can’t believe you get good morning texts. I just get texts from my doctor about appointments. Fucking pregnancy… Shit,” she said. Grizz was certain she hadn’t intended for that to come out.

“I already knew, don’t worry.”

Becca’s mouth dropped open, and she looked like she was going to strangle Sam. That was not the right thing to say, he realized.

“You fucking told him? What the fuck you piece of shit!”

“No, he didn’t tell me.”

Sam sat there, silent. Grizz watched him, worried about the nervous look on his face. He’d accidentally just caused a big problem for Sam, apparently.

“How the fuck did you find out then,” she said, trying to hide the panic in her voice.

“There have been rumours about it for a few weeks. I’ve been telling everyone they’re wrong. Said you decided you wanted to enjoy chocolate, I think.”

“Wait, what?”

Grizz explained the situation – Sam hadn’t told him anything, but he knew enough people were talking about it. He’d made sure to make it believable, and he’d made sure that the entire school understood Becca was not pregnant, contrary to the six rumours they’d heard from the cheerleaders, Clark, the two chess club members, the overly-gossipy English teacher, and their younger brother. By the time he’d finished, the entire school believed that Becca had an unhealthy obsession with cheesy fries, but she was definitely not pregnant.

“Oh.”

“Wait, why would you go through the trouble of all that?”

“I figured you wouldn’t want everyone to know your secret. I can kinda relate,” he said, smiling at Sam.

“Yeah,” said Sam, before Grizz could speak. “As much as I want to tell everyone, I think taking things slow and going at our own pace is a good idea. Plus, I don’t want to piss off Campbell or the Guard and make them mad at Grizz.”

Becca nodded, solemnly. Grizz didn’t know the full story about Campbell, only that he was evil incarnate. Sam didn’t like him and avoided him like the plague, and Becca actually hated him – that was enough information for him.

“So, you two plan on keeping this a secret?”

“Yeah.”

“For how long?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

“How does Grizz feel about it,” she asked Sam. Turning to face Grizz, she asked the question again. “How do you feel about it?”

“You know, just because it’s a secret doesn’t mean it’s not the truth. I’m okay with it being a secret, as long as it is real,” he said, kissing Sam’s knuckles. It was a simple gesture, and it reassured Sam that Grizz was okay with it.

As much as the two boys worried about keeping their relationship a secret, Sam worried more about how continuing the secrecy would impact Grizz. It wasn’t something Grizz particularly understood – he was still in the closet, after all. It made sense that he couldn’t scream about his relationship from the rooftops, but it seemed to genuinely bother Sam that his boyfriend wasn’t able to talk about him in public. They’d spent more time talking about it than Grizz wanted – he hated the idea that Sam was worried about him.

“So, it’s just not an issue then?”

“Nope, not really.”

They continued talking for what only felt like a few minutes – in reality, they’d spent four hours at the table. Becca wanted to know all about Grizz, because, according to her, she needed to know everything about her best friend’s new boyfriend.

The evening ended when Becca asked, “Wait, who’s on top?”

“BECCA!”

**

**Campbell**

Campbell sat a few booths away, grateful that no one could see him. His eyes were trained on Sam, watching the miserable wretch that was his brother be doted on by the football player. His brother looked too happy – the kind of happy that wasn’t allowed. Not on his watch, anyway.

He watched as the two boys kissed, saying goodbye. Disgusting. Looking down at his phone though, he couldn’t help but smile.

Sam would be ruined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit shorter than the average for me, sorry!


	13. Terrified

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO - This chapter is full of feels, angst, and general turmoil. There is also some homophobic language because of Campbell. Just a heads up. Talk about unlucky number 13...

**Sam**

Sam had not heard from Grizz in three days now. Grizz had wished him a merry Christmas Eve, and Sam had wished he could have been there to give Grizz a hug, thinking they would get together on Christmas. Three days was a long time - it was longer than they’d ever gone without talking – Grizz was the type of person who responded immediately. At least, he was that way with Sam. When it came to Sam, he was always there. But where was he now?

Sam couldn’t help but imagine the worst – that he’d gone off to some other country, or that he’d disappeared into the woods, or that he’d seen the video and decided he hated Sam. That fucking video. Staring at his phone, he felt his face turn red with anger. Or rather, his face stayed red – between the crying, and the anger, and the frustration, and all of the other emotions, Sam’s face hadn’t stopped being red. He hated how happy it made Campbell.

**

On Christmas morning, he’d woken up to a million texts. Sam wasn’t used to being that popular – he normally was lucky when he woke up to a text from Becca and a text from Grizz. This morning, though, there was nothing from Grizz. Instead, he found chaos.

_Becca: OMG SAM WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED_

_Becca: WAKE THE FUCK UP_

_Becca: OMG TEXT GRIZZ_

_???: Grizz ditched us because he was fuckin you? Worthless shit._

_Becca: IS HE OKAY_

_Becca: ARE YOU OKAY_

_Becca: WHAT HAPPENED_

_Becca: DID YOU POST IT?_

_Gwen: OMG are you and Grizz dating?_

_Gwen: I reported the post. No way you’d write that._

_Becca: THERE WAS NO WAY YOU POSTED IT NEVERMIND_

_Becca: WHAT THE FUCK_

_Helena: are you okay_

_Allie: OMG what happened_

_Helena: Grizz won’t text back_

_Luke: Wtf man._

_Becca: WHERE ARE YOU_

_Allie: I’m going to kill Campbell_

_Becca: WHAT IS GOING ON_

_Becca: HOW DO WE FIX THIS_

_Helena: what happened_

_Luke: fuck you_

Those were only the ones he’d seen – he had almost two hundred more from Becca. There had been something on his Instagram, apparently. He didn’t know what, though. He never used Instagram. His heart sank when he saw The Post.

_Sup fuckers guess what? I got Grizz fuckin Visser chokin on my dick on the daily. Your football legend likes it up the ass, what a fuckin homo. Guess thats y his fam ditched him – C.E. YA LATER_

The video was his kiss with Grizz at the café, the day he had introduced him as his boyfriend. It hadn’t taken him long to figure out who’d posted the video – C. E. wasn’t exactly a subtle calling card, not when he knew that Campbell loved to ruin anything he loved. Apparently, there weren’t any limits.

That had only been the start, though. Later that day, when Sam had been crying, he got a text from Becca’s mother – it wasn’t the type of thing he got regularly. There was a problem.

_Mrs. Gelb: Get to the hospital._

Becca wasn’t supposed to be due for another month, at least. Sam’s heart sank even further – was there something lower than rock bottom? He wasn’t sure.

**

**Grizz**

Breathing in the cold air, he stared out into the wilderness. He loved camping, and he had been glad for the chance to escape from society for a while. He’d have to go back eventually – that didn’t matter now, though. He was free to exist, away from the world, away from the truth, and away from Sam.

Grizz was terrified. Actually, to say he was terrified was an understatement. Grizz had never been more terrified in his life. Grizz’s two biggest secrets had been revealed in one short caption. That wasn’t part of Grizz’s plan… Actually, nothing about his relationship with Sam Eliot had been a part of his plan. Ever since starting that history class, back in August, he’d gone off-script. This, however, was the farthest he’d ever imagined he could get from his plan.

He’d planned to come out in college. Graduate high school, get to college, come out, find a boyfriend. Finding a boyfriend, being forced out of the closet by his boyfriend’s evil brother, run away from all responsibility and probably make his boyfriend hate him, graduate high school, and then get to college was certainly not the order he’d had in mind.

There was no doubt in his mind, Sam would have never done that to him. Sam was a lot of things – he was stubborn, like when he wanted ice cream to celebrate the first fall of snow. He was funny, like when he made jokes throughout the movies they’d watch and Grizz would cry from laughing so hard. He was kind, like when he sat with Grizz for three hours, listening to Grizz cry about his family. He was so drastically far from this – he was so drastically far from evil.

Staring out into the white expanse, he flashed back to his first memories of Sam. They’d talked about it, the night before the video went online. Sam hadn’t remembered meeting Grizz, but Grizz couldn’t get those memories out of his head, even if he tried. 

**

_When Grizz was eight years old, his mother signed him up for pee-wee football. The team practiced once a week, and it played a game every other week. That was a lot of time, for an eight-year-old. He didn’t really understand why he had to quit his tap dance lessons in order to start football. It seemed like a stupid trade – football people hit each other, and tap dancers hit the floor. Grizz much preferred hitting the floor, because he was fairly certain that the floor didn’t mind as much._

_He hadn’t minded it, ultimately. When he was supposed to be playing, he would pretend that he was a superhero, and everyone else was trying to find out his secret identity. If they ever caught him, then they’d know he wasn’t Super-Grizz, he was Gareth. He made sure they never caught him, though. It wasn’t very hard. He knew it made his dad happy when he played well, too. That was always a good thing._

_His parents had a rocky relationship – Grizz didn’t understand why they were friends. They didn’t seem like they were friends, but they were his mom and dad, so they had to be. That’s how that worked, according to Allie. Allie was the only girl on the football team, and she was smart. Her sister was even smarter, and she had told Allie that love is something that best friends have. She read big-kid books already, so she knew these things._

_He felt like he was old enough to start reading big-kid books too, so sometimes he would go to the library. Allie would go with him, most of the time. Her dad was the coach, and sometimes it was frustrating to watch him pick the boys over her. She could tackle anyone, and the boys couldn’t even tackle their shadows, she’d said one day. Grizz didn’t know what that meant, really, but he figured it was important. He didn’t know if he could tackle his own shadow, but she could. Probably._

_He started spending more time at the library. Summer was great, because he could come to the library and enjoy the quiet. At home, it wasn’t really that quiet – it was bad for reading. His mom and dad had started having arguments, like why dad didn’t go to bed in time for bedtime, or that he drank too much of his special soda. The library didn’t have those arguments._

_One day, he came in and saw that Allie was busy with her head in a book, trying to do a dance with her fingers._

_“What’cha doin’,” he whispered. He wasn’t allowed to use his normal inside voice here, so he had to be extra quiet. He was proud of himself for remembering to whisper._

_“My cousin is moving to town, and he uses this to talk. I’m gonna learn and surprise him,” she said. “He’s not gonna know how I know, but I’m gonna be able to talk to him and we’re going to be best friends.”_

_“What is it?”_

_“It’s called A S L. I dunno what it means, but this book is gonna show me how to do it.”_

_“It looks like you’re doing a dance.”_

_“Wanna learn with me?”_

_“Sure!”_

_Sam and Allie ended up not being very good, and by the time Allie’s cousin had gotten to town, they knew exactly twenty-three signs – Grizz had just learned to count to 100, so he was very happy that he could count to 23. That was less than 100 by… a lot! He was still working on his math. They could sign things like ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’, and they could get ‘how are you’ half of the time._

_When the cousin finally arrived, Grizz and Allie were very excited to play with him. They all sat together, and Allie and Grizz tried signing everything they could. Sam didn’t really understand much, but he was glad these people had tried to learn to sign – his mom had said so. That made Grizz feel very good, because he didn’t want the new friend to feel lonely. Grizz sometimes felt lonely when he was sent to his room, when his parents yelled. He was spending more and more time being lonely, the more time passed._

_After they’d finished playing together, Grizz went home. He didn’t even stop in the kitchen this time – he knew his parents were going to be mad about something. Apparently the Bills were too high this month. He was confused by that, because he hadn’t seen anyone named Bill in a tree, and Grizz was told that when he went high in a tree, he could get in trouble. Silly Bills, breaking the rules, Grizz thought._

_This time, Grizz heard the shouting for a few hours. He knew, because he’d left the library at 5:30 for dinner, and he had bedtime at 8:30. He kept waiting for his mom to come get him and get him, but she didn’t. Watching the clock hit 8:30, Grizz realized that today he was supposed to get food at the library. The library didn’t have food, and Grizz had never been told to get food from outside the house, but that must have been the issue. It had to be his fault – was that why his parents were fighting? How did they know he’d not done it?_

_Trying to go to bed was hard that night. Grizz’s stomach kept growling, and his parents kept fighting. Why were they friends if they didn’t get along? Grizz couldn’t understand it, but he hoped they would go to bed soon. Sometimes, he’d still get a bedtime story if they went to sleep early enough. Tonight, though, he didn’t get a bedtime story. He fell asleep to the sound of his parents yelling – he’d done that before, though. It had happened more and more the past week._

_The next morning, Grizz got up and saw that someone had broken a vase. He wondered if his mom and dad were friends again. Sometimes, he liked to roughhouse with his friends, but he was always careful not to be too rough. He didn’t want to have to clean up messes. He couldn’t find his parents downstairs, and he knew better than to walk into their room. Once, he’d walked in when his parents were wrestling around, and they didn’t notice him, but he knew that he got in trouble when he wrestled, and he didn’t want to get his parents in trouble. Who did you talk to if you were going to tell on your parents?_

_That day, Grizz went back to the park to play with the new kid and Allie. They chased each other all day, and they had a lot of fun. Playing hide and seek was fun, because he could climb and no one could find him. He forgot all about the broken vase, and the fact that he hadn’t had dinner last night – Allie had fruit snacks, so he ate some of those and his tummy was happy again. He went to his practice later that day – his coach seemed sad that his parents weren’t there. Grizz guessed that Coach Pressman and his parents were good friends._

_At dinner that day – they had dinner, this time. Grizz told his family about the new friend he’d made. It wasn’t until Grizz mentioned that the boy had really pretty eyes that his father said something. Grizz didn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed to think eyes were pretty – rocks were pretty, and trees were pretty, and smiles were pretty. Why couldn’t eyes be pretty?_

_The next day, Grizz’s mom cried. He had heard his parents fight again, and this time, his father had gone away with a suitcase in hand. Grizz remembered that he sometimes used a suitcase when he went to go visit his grandparents, so that meant his dad was going somewhere. His mom must have been really sad, because her best friend was leaving. That had to be it – Grizz was always sad when he had to leave his friends._

_It wasn’t until three weeks later that Grizz realized his dad wasn’t coming back from his trip. Grizz had only ever been gone for two weeks – three was an extra week. Grizz didn’t understand why his dad was gone. Thinking back on everything he had said that last night, Grizz decided it was because he had called the other boy – Sam – pretty. Grizz didn’t know what to do with that information – Sam was fun, and he made Grizz laugh. Sam was a nice friend. Grizz wanted his dad, though. To the tiny eight-year-old, the only option was to stop being friends with Sam. Maybe that would bring his dad back._

_The next day, at the playground, Grizz told Allie that he couldn’t keep playing with Sam. His dad didn’t like it, he’d said._

_“But Sam is going to miss you,” she said._

_“I’m gonna miss him too. He’s nice and funny. But I can’t keep being his friend.”_

_“Why?”_

_Grizz wanted to explain that he worried his dad wouldn’t come back if he stayed being friends, and that his mom and dad weren’t friends anymore because their son found his friend’s eyes pretty. That was too complicated though – Allie was only seven, and Grizz knew seven-year-olds wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t have, when he was seven._

_“Because. I’m sorry. Tell him I’m sorry too, okay?”_

_And, with that, he ran off. Allie watched him go find the football players – she didn’t like them, she’d said. She was better than they were, but they didn’t like letter her play. She told Grizz she hoped Grizz didn’t become their friend. Grizz was nice._

_**_

Grizz felt his phone ring, drawing him back to the present. The present was full of bullies, and it was full of hate. It was painful, and it was real. Grizz hated it – and he hated that he wasn’t with Sam.

**

**Sam**

Sam wished he hadn’t called Grizz. He sat in his room, crying. He should have called Becca, or Allie, or literally anyone else. He wished he could undo everything, go back to the start of the year, and never talk to the monster of a man – towering over everyone, he was a behemoth. Monster wasn’t the right word – he was so far from that.

He was an angel, who’d been shot down by his brother. He was a puppy, who’d been brutally kicked. He was a teddy bear, stuffing ripped, chest still open. He was Sam’s… had been. He had been Sam’s, until Campbell got involved. Grizz was the best thing that had ever happened to him - he was no monster. He kept Sam safe from the monsters.

Grizz couldn't save him from Campbell though, not all the time. Campbell was the monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter wasn't exactly a feel-good chapter. I'd written the flashback for another story I'd planned on writing - I wanted to do a remix of this story, where I went back and edited and polished it up a bit, but I think it fits well here. Kind of. This chapter is kind of a mess... there was a lot of Angst to get across. Also, we FINALLY went back to the beginning! Woo!
> 
> On a brighter note, I can confirm that this story will have a sequel! And if you're waiting for updates on "College Changes" - thank you for being so patient! Expect something in the next few days :) 
> 
> Unrelated, but I'm currently trying to collect a list of good ASL resources for people who're interested in learning the language that I'd like to attach to the end of the last chapter in this story. Thinking back to every situation where Sam was at a party, he was often limited to talking to a small group of people, in part because people weren't able to or willing to accommodate lip-reading / ASL. I know I've seen a few people in the fandom talk about wanting to learn the language, and I think that's a fantastic idea - the more widespread the usage is, the better hearing people can listen to deaf and hard-of-hearing stories! If you have a favorite youtube course, or a favorite website, or whatever it may be, feel free to leave it in the comments. Thanks everyone :)


	14. That was okay. - Grizz

Staring up at the sky, Grizz knew that the world would never be the same – and yet, the sky hadn’t changed. Grizz hadn’t changed, either – he was the same Grizz that, on Christmas Eve, decided that he wanted to tell Sam that he loved him. After waking up to the whole world knowing about his relationship, he was the same Grizz that was in love with Sam Eliot. It was the world that had changed.

That wasn’t right… the world hadn’t really changed, either. Helena and Allie would still be there for him, supporting him. Luke would still want to play video games. His parents still wouldn’t be there when he woke up, but he would still get up and remind himself he didn’t need them. He would still be tall, and he would still be gay. The sun would still rise, and the days would still go by. There was nothing new about Grizz being gay, just like there was nothing new about Grizz being abandoned, or Grizz being tall, or Grizz being friends with Luke. Grizz would still speak Mandarin with Helena’s parents, and he would still like philosophy and poetry. The world was the same, really.

Only it wasn’t - not by a long shot. For the first time in his life, Grizz felt like he was being authentic – a change that had taken place the first time he kissed Sam. Over the past semester, Grizz felt like he belonged in his own home. He’d finally felt like he was allowed to feel welcome in his own house. He’d come out, to several different people, finding courage that he didn’t know he had. He’d started a relationship with another man, and he hadn’t kept it a secret – at least, not entirely. He’d fallen in love. He’d destroyed his relationship with his friends, because he realized he deserved something better – and he did. Staring up at the night sky, he realized that the only thing that had changed was himself.

That was okay.

What was not okay, however, was the fact that someone had outed him. That someone had taken a tender moment, and weaponized it against him. It was obvious who – Campbell was a self-righteous ass, who believed that he was allowed to do whatever he wanted with his family. He also believed that Sam wasn’t allowed to be happy – ruining his relationship made sure that he wouldn’t be happy. Only, Grizz was fairly certain that their relationship wasn’t ruined. Sitting out here, in the snow-covered forest, he was pretty certain that he’d never loved Sam more. He stared down at his phone – the same phone that had rang only a few hours earlier, with a call from Sam.

Fuck.

Sam.

Sam was alone. Grizz stood up, realizing that, by running into the forest, he’d ran away from the one person he needed. Who needed him. Grizz could imagine Sam, sitting in his bed, crying – Sam would blame himself for this, definitely. Sam would think that he had ruined their relationship, that he had damned Grizz to publicity, that he was the one who’d fucked up. _Like fucking hell he has_ , Grizz thought.

When his family had screamed, or when the loneliness became too much, Grizz used to hide in the forest. He’d pretend that no one could find him, and that he was free to be himself among the trees, because they wouldn’t care. They wouldn’t yell, they wouldn’t judge. Any time Grizz felt too many emotions, or emotions he didn’t want to acknowledge, he ran to the forest. Looking around, it was clear that he’d tried to run away. Packing his tent, he realized that this time, he was done hiding. _Reality can kiss my fucking ass._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super short chapter!! My laptop is broken, so writing has definitely been a challenge. I'm working on either getting it fixed, or getting a new one, hopefully by the end of the week. 
> 
> I'm not sure how many people here also follow College Changes, but if you do, then you already know that I'm preparing to move, as well! Like, move across the world type move. As a result, my writing time is a bit more random than it used to be - however, I have a schedule for this one (and the sequel). You can expect updates to this series on Saturdays (yeah yeah I'm a day late) !! 
> 
> I also upped the chapter count to 16, because I wanted to post *something* this week, even if it's not the full chapter I'd been hoping to type up.
> 
> If I can get my laptop sorted, then you can best believe that I'll try and publish the full chapter as well as the final chapter this week :)  
> Sorry!!!! Thank you all for reading / putting up with me! <3


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